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Living With A Loved One's Disappearance
by Christopher Beam and David Dudley, AARP The Magazine, Aug-Sep 2014
Whenever loss is laced with uncertainty, achieving closure can be difficult.
To overcome it, learn to embrace the unknown.
Coping With the Known Unknown by Dr. Pauline Boss, 2014
Often, a big first step to accepting an ambiguous loss, says family psychologist Pauline
Boss, is simply learning that there's a name for the feelings the situation has inspired:
"People grab on to that and breathe a sigh of relief." Here are her other guidelines.
Don't blame yourself. Life isn't always fair; bad things happen for no reason.
Find a new you. If your role was defined by your relationship to the missing person, try
to construct a new role.
Express yourself. Being sad or angry about the loss is a normal response to an
abnormal situation. Don't keep those emotions bottled up.
Revise attachments. You can grieve for your loss while cultivating new relationships
and celebrating what you still have.
Discover hope. In time, you'll become more comfortable with uncertainty and find
things you can control to balance the ongoing ambiguity.
Living with ambiguous loss, Boss says, is a multistage process. If there's a silver lining
in negotiating this path, it's in the positive personal changes that can occur along the
way. Having a loving relationship with someone who can't reciprocate our feelings, she
notes, is a worthy, if painful exercise: "In the end, we grow from that suffering we
experience when our loved ones disappear. It doesn't have to destroy us."

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Coping With The Known Unknown.pdf

  • 1. Living With A Loved One's Disappearance by Christopher Beam and David Dudley, AARP The Magazine, Aug-Sep 2014 Whenever loss is laced with uncertainty, achieving closure can be difficult. To overcome it, learn to embrace the unknown. Coping With the Known Unknown by Dr. Pauline Boss, 2014 Often, a big first step to accepting an ambiguous loss, says family psychologist Pauline Boss, is simply learning that there's a name for the feelings the situation has inspired: "People grab on to that and breathe a sigh of relief." Here are her other guidelines. Don't blame yourself. Life isn't always fair; bad things happen for no reason. Find a new you. If your role was defined by your relationship to the missing person, try to construct a new role. Express yourself. Being sad or angry about the loss is a normal response to an abnormal situation. Don't keep those emotions bottled up. Revise attachments. You can grieve for your loss while cultivating new relationships and celebrating what you still have. Discover hope. In time, you'll become more comfortable with uncertainty and find things you can control to balance the ongoing ambiguity. Living with ambiguous loss, Boss says, is a multistage process. If there's a silver lining in negotiating this path, it's in the positive personal changes that can occur along the way. Having a loving relationship with someone who can't reciprocate our feelings, she notes, is a worthy, if painful exercise: "In the end, we grow from that suffering we experience when our loved ones disappear. It doesn't have to destroy us."