Deliberate practice web
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The document outlines the steps of deliberate practice for improving relationship skills: 1) Set a big goal, 2) Create a short-term practice goal, 3) Break the goal down into specific steps, 4) Implement the steps, 5) Evaluate your performance, and 6) Strategize how to improve for next time. It provides examples of practice goals like slowing mirroring or expressing love qualitatively. Recording sessions can help self-evaluation if agreements are made to keep the recordings private and used solely for self-improvement. The key is being intentional about setting goals and evaluating progress.
Deliberate practice web
- 1. Deliberate Practice What you practice becomes permanent, even if you are practicing a skill incorrectly Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 2. Basic Steps of Deliberate Practice Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013 1. Big goal 2. Short goal 3. Chunk down 4. Do it 5. Evaluate 6.Strategize
- 3. 1. Hold in mind your bigger goal I want to stay close to my spouse/partner even when we disagree I want to be a safe person for my partner to talk to I want to more easily repair our connection when we have conflict I want to become better at expressing and showing my love EXAMPLES: Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 4. 2. Create a goal for your practice session I want to practice moving my movie (internal mental chatter) aside when I am listening. I want to practice focusing on one topic when I do dialogue instead of 5 frustrations. I want to practice expressing understanding better in the dialogue. I want to practice verbally expressing my love. EXAMPLES: Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 5. 3. Chunk it down to a specific practice step Before I mirror, I will check to see if Im defending, judging or disagreeing in my own head. If I am, I will tell myself only one story can be heard/seen at a time, then imagine setting my story aside (like a book on a shelf, etc.). I will then look into my partners eyes with love and curiosity and mirror. EXAMPLE A: Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 6. Instead of just saying I love you, I will tell my partner one of the reasons I love him/her 3 times a week. I will vary it by focusing one time on a quality, another time on a behavior, and another time on a physical or sexual aspect. EXAMPLE B: Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 7. Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013 4. Implement the step(s)
- 8. 5. After the practice, evaluate how well you did . . . What I think I did well: Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 9. 5b. After the practice, evaluate where you can improve . . . Where I think I need to do better: Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 10. 6. Strategize / plan for next time Plan of focus for next practice to become better at the skill Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 11. Example A: What I did well: I slowed down my mirroring which made it feel less reactive & softer. What I need to improve: My movie was still playing and made it hard for me to listen & understand. Plan/Strategy for next practice: 1. I am going to visualize my safe place or place of beauty before we start so I can calm myself inside. 2. When I notice my movie playing, Im going to imagine using a remote to change channels to my partners life story. 1. 2. Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 12. Example B: What I did well: I stayed on one topic for the entire dialogue. What I need to improve: I blamed & shamed by telling him he is NEVER there for me which communicates that he is a total failure. Plan/Strategy for next practice: 1. Make sure I am clear that when a behavior like that happens, the MEANING I give it is that he is not there for me in that situation, even though that may not be his intent. Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 13. Audio or video record your practice session to evaluate your OWN performance What helps some couples deliberately practice dialogue: BUT . . . . Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 14. Agreement 1: Keep it confidential If you use video or audio feedback for yourself, make sure you make and keep 3 agreements to keep it safe Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 15. Agreement 2: Agree to delete it together within a certain time (Example: 3 days to give you time to review) Keep it safe -- delete together Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 16. Agreement 3: Use it only to evaluate your OWN performance Keep it safe . . . Put yourSELF under the microscope NEVER, EVER use it to criticize your partner! Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013
- 17. Fears/concerns You can also use it to try to better understand your partners: Hurts IF you understand your spouse or partner better after reviewing it, tell him/her your new understanding and ask, Did I get you? Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013 Needs/desires/longing
- 18. The KEY is to be Intentional about Practice: Dawn Lipthrott, LCSW Winter Park, FL dawn@relationshipjourney.com 息2013 Set a goal for the practice Evaluate how well YOU did and where YOU might need to improve Create a new specific goal for what you want to improve for your next practice Repeat the process!