I left school at 16 to join the army but left in disgrace when the details of my sordid affair with the colonels twin daughters became public. Finding myself penniless on the streets of Moscow I was forced to compete in back room bear wrestling contests in exchange for bread and water. So consumate was my bear wrestling prowess I soon rose to prominence and attracted the attention of the most beautiful lady in Moscow. We enjoyed a brief but passionate tryst until her oligarch husband discovered our affair and had me sentenced to a life of hard labour in a remote Siberian colony. I escaped on camel across theMongolian border and after months trekking through the desert, on the verge of death,