Annotated Writing Exemplar
- 2. *S65133A0208* 1. Read the Information you are given. This gives you the CONTEXT for your response (i.e. It tells you WHY you are writing - PURPOSE - and WHO you writing to - AUDIENCE. It also gives you the FORMAT you are writing in (e.g. letter, email, article, report, web forum contribution). Always be aware of the conventions for different formats. E.G. A letter must include your address and postcode in the top right-hand corner; the date on the line below your postcode; the name and full address of the recipient on the left-hand side below your details; an appropriate salutation and closing sign-off, including your name. 2. Next, read the Writing Task to ensure you understand fully what you are being asked to do. 3. Then read the details of what you need to include in your response: these are highlighted by the task bullet points. Use these to help you plan your writing. 1 2 3
- 3. *S65133A0308* 21 Church View Terrace Kensington KS1 LN12 15 August 2022 Laura Mensah Career Grants 1 New Road Hanton HN1 7BU YOUR DETAILS RECIPIENT'S DETAILS (describe what you are doing now and your career ambitions) Dear Ms Mensah, APPROPRIATE SALUTATION I am writing to you to apply for the 贈5,000 funding you are offering. I am studying for a Fashion Design degree at Kensington University and I am currently in the final year of my studies. My ultimate ambition is to become one of the leading fashion designers in this country, with an aim to making high quality fashion available and affordable to male and female consumers who enjoy wearing clothes that are made with care and attention to detail. NOTICE HOW I HAVE COVERED THE DETAILS REQUIRED FOR THE FIRST BULLET POINT
- 4. *S65133A0408* (explain in detail how you would use the money) The career grant funding would enable me to attend a one-month training course at the Sorbonne in Paris, where I would gain valuable knowledge and skills in textile technology that my current course does not provide. 贈3,500 would cover the fees for this course, while 贈1,000 would allow me to purchase the necessary textbooks and also pay for travelling expenses to Paris and return travel to the UK. I estimate that the remaining 贈500 would be sufficient for my food costs over the month. Luckily, accommodation is included in the course fees. NOTICE HOW I HAVE COVERED THE DETAILS REQUIRED FOR THE SECOND BULLET POINT. I HAVE EXPLAINED IN DETAIL HOW THE MONEY WOULD BE USED. I HAVE ALSO USED A RANGE OF SENTENCE STRUCTURES (SIMPLE, COMPLEX, COMPOUND).
- 5. *S65133A0508* (persuade Laura Mensah that you deserve the funding) The funding award of 贈5,000 would make a huge difference to my life. It would enable me to massively develop my career ambitions; not only that, it would pave my way to becoming an outstanding fashion designer, not for the rich and famous, but for the ordinary man and woman in the street who want top quality fashion at an affordable price. I pride myself on being a hard working individual, committed to achieving my career goals, and I can promise you that not a single penny of the funding would be wasted. Not having to take out another student loan to pay for the course in Paris would be an enormous weight off my mind. I look forward to hearing from you and I really do appreciate your time and consideration in reading my letter. I dare to dream that my application will be successful. Yours sincerely, Sarah Windsor NOTICE HOW I HAVE USED PERSUASIVE WORDS/PHRASES ("huge difference...", "massively develop...". "I pride myself...", "hard working...", "committed...", "I can promise you...", "enormous weight off my mind..."). NOTICE I HAVE USED A RANGE OF SENTENCE STRUCTURES (SIMPLE, COMPLEX, COMPOUND). ALSO NOTICE THAT I HAVE USED A SEMI-COLON AND COMMAS ACCURATELY. I HAVE ALSO USED FORMAL LANGUAGE BECAUSE LETTERS IN THE EDEXCEL EXAM ARE ALWAYS FORMAL TEXTS. THE CLOSING ("Yours sincerely") MATCHES THE OPENING SAUTATION ("Dear Ms Mensah"). IF YOU ARE WRITING TO A WOMAN ALWAYS USE MS, AND NOT MISS OR MRS. THIS RESPONSE COVERS ALL THREE BULLET POINTS AND IS APPROPRIATE TO PURPOSE AND AUDIENCE. IT ALSO INCLUDES THE REQUIRED AMOUNT OF DETAIL, IS CLEAR IN STRUCTURE AND EXPRESSION, AND USES A RANGE OF SENTENCE STRUCTURES AND PUNCTUATION ACCURATELY. 322 words
- 6. *S65133A0608* 1 2 3 1. Read the Information box for the context for your response. 2. Read the Writing Task to ensure you know exactly what you have to do. 3. Use the bullet points to plan your paragraphs (only 2 bullet points for Task 2).
- 7. *S65133A0708* (give your ideas for a day out) Hi Lee, Lee begins his email with "Hi" so it is appropriate to use the same greeting. I have a couple of suggestions for our staff day out this year and I'd like to share them with you. My first idea is a trip to Chester Zoo. I went there a few months ago with my sister and her family and we had an absolutely great time. I hadn't been to a zoo for years, but I was so glad I went. My second idea is a trip to Beamish Open Air Museum in County Durham. I have been there before and I can honestly say it was one of the best days out I've ever had! Chester Zoo has something for everyone: five cafes that serve hot and cold meals or snacks at very affordable prices; animals from all around the world; (explain why these would work well)
- 8. *S65133A0808* lots of interesting displays and exhibits, and plenty of beautiful, landscaped areas where you can just sit and relax for a while. Beamish offers a 30% discount on group bookings of over 20 people. It would take no more than 2 hours to get there from our company headquarters so it wouldn't involve a long journey. All the houses and shops date back to the 1920s and 1930s; it is just like stepping back in time! There are three cafes and they all offer discounts on groups of ten or more. The biggest expense we'd have is hiring a coach to take us there and back, but I already checked and we could hire a coach from Wentworth Travel for 贈100. We would only have to contribute 贈2 each. Hope my ideas are helpful. Look forward to hearing back from you. Harry BOTH OF THE BULLET POINTS ARE COVERED. LANGUAGE IS APPROPRIATE FOR PURPOSE AND AUDIENCE. APPROPRIATE OPENING AND CLOSING THERE IS A RANGE OF SENTENCE STRUCTURES AND PUNCTUATION, ALL USED ACCURATELY (exclamation marks, commas, semi-colons and colons). GRAMMAR IS CORRECT (present tense used accurately, subject-verb agreement, definite and indefinite articles) SPELLING IS ACCURATE 270 words