I realized that in my downward spiral of hopelessness I was actually falling into a huge hole created by my absence of basic human graces. The most obvious is forgiveness. If I was wronged, compensation was by blood. There is no turning the other cheek. When relationships become a ledger of profit and loss, you have no friends, no loved ones, just pluses and minuses. You are absolutely alone.
I never made a conscious decision to become one thing or another. It just happened with each savage event as a catalyst for the next. And by the time the violence reached epic proportion, I couldn't see it; blood was every color.
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