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Life of a Child of
Separated Parents

The Role of the Early Childhood Educator

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
www.yoursocialworker.com


Childhood Development 101

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
 Physiological Needs
 air, water, food, sleep, sex, etc.
 Safety Needs
 Security, safety, stability
 Love Needs
 Belongingness, connectedness
 Esteem Needs
 Competence, mastery and attention,
recognition
 Self-Actualization
 Self-fulfillment, peace


0 – 1 year old

What’s Going on
Developmentally?


2 – 4 Year Olds

What’s Going on
Developmentally?


5 – 12 Year Olds

What’s Going on
Developmentally?


The Equation for
Healthy Development

Healthy Development
=
meeting Maslow’s hierarchy of basic needs


The New Math

Divorce = Change
Change = Disruption + Conflict

Exposure to disruption and conflict
causes stress and undermines healthy development.


Exposure = Stress

Disruption: Conflict
 Routines  Low conflict
 Structure  parents able to manage
 between themselves
Emotional availability
  Medium conflict
Residence  Parents require outside
 Relationships resources
 Expectations  High conflict
 Care  Parents involved in Court
system


Stress Interrupts Development

What are the behavioural
correlates of developmental
interruption…by age?


Cycling Out of Control

The higher the conflict the greater the disruption. The
greater the disruption the greater the stress. The
greater the stress the more pronounced the impact
on the child. The more pronounced the impact on
the child, the greater the likelihood of seeing
problematic behaviour. The more the problematic
behaviour, the greater the conflict as parents project
blame on each other.


Impact of Conflict on Daycare

Conflict Impact on Daycare
1. Low conflict 1. Parents cooperate and

Parents able to manage inform daycare of
between themselves situation to support child
1. Medium conflict 2. Parents operate separately
 Parents require outside with daycare
resources
3. Parents draw daycare into
1. High conflict conflict as source of data
 Parents involved in Court to support position or to
system
restrict access to data
and/or child

High Conflict =
Poor Boundaries
 Both parents seek custody
 May seek to restrict access
 Daycare becomes a battleground for transfer/access
 Allegations of poor parenting to mal-treatment
 Parents may tell stories regarding other parent – mutual
denigration
 Both parents may try to define the rights of the other
 Parents seek data to use against other parent
 Parents seek to enlist or recruit allies from daycare


Kids are exposed to it all
and dragged in…
 Spousal abuse
 Physical
Fight for me…
 Verbal
 Psychological Twist things around
 Child abuse
Sick and needs help
 Physical
 Verbal Silver van
 Psychological
 Audio….


Caution!

 One-sided stories – induction
 Secret codes – Tell the truth!
 Child disclosures does not equal child
experiences!
 Role boundary!


Benefits of Daycare
During Divorce

 Place of safety
 Basic care needs met
 Emotional needs for attention and affiliation met
 Opportunity for continued learning and skill
development
 Neutral turf
 Absorb and manage behaviour arising


Management Strategies

1. Define the daycare as a “safe place” (free from issues at home).
2. Limit parents’ disclosures of divorce matters – redirect to counselling
or divorce group/education.
3. Avoid being inducted into a “one-sided” version of events.
4. Remind and redirect parents when talking about the divorce or other
parent in view of the child.
5. Require a letter signed by both parents or court order stipulating who
is responsible for pick-up, emergency calls, etc.
6. Provide only factual or “behavioural” data when required by Court
Order. Charge a fee!
7. Hand out article: Treading on Sacred Ground


The Role and Goal

 The role of the ECE is to facilitate
appropriate boundaries between the daycare
and the parents such that the parents do not
intrude on the daycare setting.
 The goal is to maintain neutrality for the sake
of the child in a setting that provides a place
of safety and respite from parental conflict.


Policies / Procedures

 Boundary issues / parental intrusions
 Violence
 Access to information / reports
 Requests to limit parental role
 Other….


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Children, Divorce and the Role of the ECE

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