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Coparenting Strategies to Reduce Conflict over Custody-writing tips to eliminate conflict

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Deena Stacer, PhD.
Deena Stacer, PhD.

When co-parents have ongoing conflict over custody of their children, at least one of the parents wants to maintain contact and communication with the other parent. Every interaction in writing or in person can cause anxiety and stress between conflict, which leads to conflict. Here are some tips to control communication with the other parent to reduce conflict. Dr. Deena Stacer is a parent educator offering online and live coparenting courses for parents to help them stop their fighting over the children. Online courses are located at www.parentsinconflict.com.

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High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting Program Hi, Im Dr. Deena Stacer. I teach the High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting Program in San Diego. Ive been teaching this as a live program in San Diego since 1997. And now, I have translated this class online for you to participate without leaving your home. I was in a high conflict breakup myself (for seven years) and have three grown children who were part of my custody fight. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
My Credentials I have teaching credentials ranging from Kindergarten through College. I have a Bachelors of Science in Child Development, a Masters in Counseling and Leadership and a Ph.D. in Psychology. I have worked with over 5000 high conflict parents and many of their children. I have mediated over 850 divorces. I mostly mediate highly conflictual cases now. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
The High Conflict Intervention Program Because of my experiences, Ive learned a lot of great strategies to help parents get out of conflict. I teach parents how to navigate through the court system, how to disengage from the fight with the other parent and how to protect the children from permanent emotional damage that often occurs from chronic conflict. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules to manage Contact and Communication to Reduce Conflict One of the most important concepts parents in conflict need to learn is to reduce conflict you must eliminate or reduce contact and communication. To do this you need new rules to control communication in writing by email, text and telephone. Conflict = Contact + Communication The next few slides teach you helpful tips to help you control your communication with the other parent in writing. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules for Note, Letters & Emails Use the following criteria to determine whether you should respond to anything the other parent writes: Criteria Are there any issues that need an answer? Is there already a court order that resolves the issue? Is it an emergency? Is youre the other parent just venting? (Passing Gas?) If yes, then you dont have to respond! 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
The High Conflict Intervention Program Once you complete the class you will receive a certificate of completion by email, as well as a copy of all of your answers. These answers are part of the report you file with the courts or give to the professionals who requested you participate in this program. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules For Telephone Contact If you have to talk to the other parent on the phone, follow these rules: Keep your conversations very short. Stand on one foot; Listen from the opposite ear; Always have a good reason to get off the phone, if it gets conflictual; Use the broken record technique. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules for Note, Letters & Emails Criteria If you must respond, try any of these replies: a. Thank you for sharing! b. Ill get right on it! c. No! d. Yes! e. Ill look into it! f. Please, refer to the court order. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Just the m ts maa fac Rules for Writing Emails & Notes Writing and reading messages from the other parent, or about the other parent will raise your anxiety level. 1. Write one topic per email or note. 2. Use a memo format. Use 3 & 4 letter words and 5-6 sentences. K.I.S.S. Rules Keep it Simple Sweetheart! 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 3. 4. Write Just the Facts and nothing but the facts. Dont communicate just to communicate. When you agree to anything verbally, follow it up with a written note confirming the agreement. Otherwise your verbal agreement is toast! 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 5. 6. Use your email/memo for information only, not to admonish the other parent (or their new mate). Write your letters, notes and emails for the judges and professionals to read. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 7. Ask a friend or professional to read the emails or notes. Your friend should not be emotionally upset by the notes, if they are, find someone else to help you. 8. Drop the other parents emails into a special folder to be read later by your friend. This way you wont see them when you are looking at emails. 9. Write only when absolutely necessary. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 10. When you are too emotional, handwrite an oops letter first, then have a friend strike out all of the oops language until you have only the facts and specifics. 11. Remember, emails are forever. If you dont want it to show up in court, dont write it! Write a draft in a word document rather than in email format, so you dont accidently hit send rather than the save button.
Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 12. Dont write emails to teach the other parent a lesson, to make a point or to prove something; 13. Dont try to snipe at the other parent about the idea of coparenting; 14. Write facts or dont send it at all. 15. Let someone else read emails, letters, or correspondence first. If anything is important, it can be relayed to you through them before your reply. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 17. Let a friend or professional write your emails for you. 17. If you get upset by emails, dont ever read them. 19. Quit thinking you have to respond to everything the other parent says. This keeps you upset and keeps the conflict going. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009

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Coparenting Strategies to Reduce Conflict over Custody-writing tips to eliminate conflict

  • 1. High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting Program Hi, Im Dr. Deena Stacer. I teach the High Conflict Intervention and Coparenting Program in San Diego. Ive been teaching this as a live program in San Diego since 1997. And now, I have translated this class online for you to participate without leaving your home. I was in a high conflict breakup myself (for seven years) and have three grown children who were part of my custody fight. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 2. My Credentials I have teaching credentials ranging from Kindergarten through College. I have a Bachelors of Science in Child Development, a Masters in Counseling and Leadership and a Ph.D. in Psychology. I have worked with over 5000 high conflict parents and many of their children. I have mediated over 850 divorces. I mostly mediate highly conflictual cases now. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 3. The High Conflict Intervention Program Because of my experiences, Ive learned a lot of great strategies to help parents get out of conflict. I teach parents how to navigate through the court system, how to disengage from the fight with the other parent and how to protect the children from permanent emotional damage that often occurs from chronic conflict. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 4. Rules to manage Contact and Communication to Reduce Conflict One of the most important concepts parents in conflict need to learn is to reduce conflict you must eliminate or reduce contact and communication. To do this you need new rules to control communication in writing by email, text and telephone. Conflict = Contact + Communication The next few slides teach you helpful tips to help you control your communication with the other parent in writing. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 5. Rules for Note, Letters & Emails Use the following criteria to determine whether you should respond to anything the other parent writes: Criteria Are there any issues that need an answer? Is there already a court order that resolves the issue? Is it an emergency? Is youre the other parent just venting? (Passing Gas?) If yes, then you dont have to respond! 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 6. The High Conflict Intervention Program Once you complete the class you will receive a certificate of completion by email, as well as a copy of all of your answers. These answers are part of the report you file with the courts or give to the professionals who requested you participate in this program. 息Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 7. Rules For Telephone Contact If you have to talk to the other parent on the phone, follow these rules: Keep your conversations very short. Stand on one foot; Listen from the opposite ear; Always have a good reason to get off the phone, if it gets conflictual; Use the broken record technique. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 8. Rules for Note, Letters & Emails Criteria If you must respond, try any of these replies: a. Thank you for sharing! b. Ill get right on it! c. No! d. Yes! e. Ill look into it! f. Please, refer to the court order. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 9. Just the m ts maa fac Rules for Writing Emails & Notes Writing and reading messages from the other parent, or about the other parent will raise your anxiety level. 1. Write one topic per email or note. 2. Use a memo format. Use 3 & 4 letter words and 5-6 sentences. K.I.S.S. Rules Keep it Simple Sweetheart! 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 10. Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 3. 4. Write Just the Facts and nothing but the facts. Dont communicate just to communicate. When you agree to anything verbally, follow it up with a written note confirming the agreement. Otherwise your verbal agreement is toast! 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 11. Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 5. 6. Use your email/memo for information only, not to admonish the other parent (or their new mate). Write your letters, notes and emails for the judges and professionals to read. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 12. Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 7. Ask a friend or professional to read the emails or notes. Your friend should not be emotionally upset by the notes, if they are, find someone else to help you. 8. Drop the other parents emails into a special folder to be read later by your friend. This way you wont see them when you are looking at emails. 9. Write only when absolutely necessary. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 13. Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 10. When you are too emotional, handwrite an oops letter first, then have a friend strike out all of the oops language until you have only the facts and specifics. 11. Remember, emails are forever. If you dont want it to show up in court, dont write it! Write a draft in a word document rather than in email format, so you dont accidently hit send rather than the save button.
  • 14. Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 12. Dont write emails to teach the other parent a lesson, to make a point or to prove something; 13. Dont try to snipe at the other parent about the idea of coparenting; 14. Write facts or dont send it at all. 15. Let someone else read emails, letters, or correspondence first. If anything is important, it can be relayed to you through them before your reply. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009
  • 15. Rules for Writing Emails & Notes 17. Let a friend or professional write your emails for you. 17. If you get upset by emails, dont ever read them. 19. Quit thinking you have to respond to everything the other parent says. This keeps you upset and keeps the conflict going. 息 Deena Stacer, Ph.D. All rights reserved. May 2009