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iPhone plea

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Annabel Hayes
Annabel Hayes

I threw my iPhone into my pool, it had a waterproof case on but it was not secured and it broke basically. My mum recently got a new iPhone and is refusing to give me her old one and says that I will be fine with a 贈2.99 Alcatel pay as you go phone. This is my attempt to persuade her otherwise- don't take it too seriously because it is evidently mostly sarcastic so enjoy.

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IPHONE OFFER MADE BY ANNABEL HAYES
Firstly I would like to introduce some key reasons why you should kindly give me your iPhone and make you aware of the dangerous consequences alcatels can result in.
1) RISK OF ARTHRITIS 2) POST-IPHONE DEPRESSION 3) RISK OF ABDUCTION 4) SPOTIFY 5) HEALTH RELATED ALCATEL SYMPTOMS 6) SUCESSFUL PARENTING
Arthritis risk is increased by mobile phones Although iPhones are no exception to this, the risk is significantly lower. This is due to the touch screen and simply having to tap a screen, rather than completely push down a button. Alcatels have many letters per key, which means you also may require additional pushes and press the buttons down up to 3x more per day. Which results in Arthritis developing 3x earlier I could therefore be an Arthritis sufferer by the age of 25
Arthritis consequences Loss of movement in joints Cannot write or work Cannot pay for a house Will end up living on the streets (in cardboard box if lucky) Cannot busk as fingers do not move Cannot hold paper cup to beg for money Cannot afford food Death
Here are some pictures to re illiterate the extreme dangers:
Post-iPhone Depression This is a very serious illness caused due to sudden iPhone loss and can be similar to class A drug withdrawal (cold turkey) symptoms A key feature of an iPhone is the QWERTY keyboard, however most phones made in the 1600s (such as the spare alcatel you suggest I use instead) use an ABC keyboard These also use morally wrong methods to control the keyboard and enhance your typing experience, such as predictive text, which poses a number of serious problems and risks
Post-iPhone Depression With iPhone, as you are given a complete keyboard, the chance of making a mistake is rare. If this rare event occurs, an effective correction system is active to ensure your message is perfectly structured and spelt before sending. However predictive text on phones that are not as accurate can result in tragic consequences such as entering wrong addresses, times or names. Which could compromise my safety and make you unaware of my whereabouts.
iPhones also have a unique operating system which takes a long time to come to terms with. As an iPhone user yourself (currently an owner of 2 whilst I am in possession of 0) I am sure you will agree that you would find it difficult if not IMPOSSIBLE to return to another phone. The secure lock screen system also prevents pedophiles and serial killers obtaining life-threatening information such as your house address or even your alarm code. This should also worry you as we live in the same house and your life expectancy should mean you last another 33 years yet- could be reduced to a number of days with an Alcatel present. Post-iPhone Depression
Risk of abduction With no phone, if I were to encounter a kidnapper, I would not be able to ring anyone when I saw him and you would also not be able to track my location without the presence of a mobile phone. With an Alcatel, the typing speed is also extremely slow due to the numerous taps required to enter a simple message and the buttons being incredibly stiff to push down. The lack of speed dial function also means I could not make a fast call and unlike iPhone, there is no emergency call option.
Spotify Although Alcatels are well equipped with a torch and radio (which requires a head set that must be purchased in addition to the phone) you are unable to use any kind of music apps such as spotify. This means I have to listen online on my iPad and compromise the music needs of Jessie and Dad. It also needs a hotspot to connect which compromises your data allowance, Jessies and Dads. Studies show that carrying an iPad around instead of a phone increases the chances of being mugged or attacked by chavs by approximately 200%. That is four people suffering alcatel related consequences, and my life and face at risk.
Health Related Issues Arthritis Anger and Frustration caused by slow processing- you have to pay more for anger management and therapy classes Lack of self esteem and confidence walking around holding a 贈2.99 phone Reduction of street cred Grief Nausea Increased blood pressure due to extra effort from typing- more oxygen needs to be pumped to muscle cells so they can respire more, produce more energy and contract more often
Health Related Issues: Heart failure Muscles in hand do not receive enough oxygen due to higher intensity physical activity from pressing buttons down Forced to respire anaerobically using glucose instead of oxygen This produces lactic acid Lactic acid is toxic Death of cells Death
Successful Parenting The criteria for being a successful parent varies based on personal opinion, however there are 3 main guidelines a parent should stick to, to ensure a happy relationship with their children and their children's well-being 1. Be sharing 2. Be kind 3. Be willing to donate iPhones to children in life threatening circumstances
OVERALL I hope you will realise that keeping any phone other than an iPhone holds no benefits whatsoever to any of our lives and can pose many life-threatening consequences. I am fully aware I threw my old iPhone into our pool however I blame my iPhones despondent state solely on the expensive waterproof case which failed to work despite being tested and working many times in the past. I also blame Dad for buying the underwater lights and snorkels which made the prospect of filming Millie and I underwater exciting. And lastly Apple for not yet creating a waterproof iPhone. I would also finally like to remind you I have had the phone for over 2 years, the same time you and dad have ploughed through 3 brand new iPhones each- one being stolen, and another dropped down the toilet.
iPhone plea

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iPhone plea

  • 1. IPHONE OFFER MADE BY ANNABEL HAYES
  • 2. Firstly I would like to introduce some key reasons why you should kindly give me your iPhone and make you aware of the dangerous consequences alcatels can result in.
  • 3. 1) RISK OF ARTHRITIS 2) POST-IPHONE DEPRESSION 3) RISK OF ABDUCTION 4) SPOTIFY 5) HEALTH RELATED ALCATEL SYMPTOMS 6) SUCESSFUL PARENTING
  • 4. Arthritis risk is increased by mobile phones Although iPhones are no exception to this, the risk is significantly lower. This is due to the touch screen and simply having to tap a screen, rather than completely push down a button. Alcatels have many letters per key, which means you also may require additional pushes and press the buttons down up to 3x more per day. Which results in Arthritis developing 3x earlier I could therefore be an Arthritis sufferer by the age of 25
  • 5. Arthritis consequences Loss of movement in joints Cannot write or work Cannot pay for a house Will end up living on the streets (in cardboard box if lucky) Cannot busk as fingers do not move Cannot hold paper cup to beg for money Cannot afford food Death
  • 6. Here are some pictures to re illiterate the extreme dangers:
  • 7. Post-iPhone Depression This is a very serious illness caused due to sudden iPhone loss and can be similar to class A drug withdrawal (cold turkey) symptoms A key feature of an iPhone is the QWERTY keyboard, however most phones made in the 1600s (such as the spare alcatel you suggest I use instead) use an ABC keyboard These also use morally wrong methods to control the keyboard and enhance your typing experience, such as predictive text, which poses a number of serious problems and risks
  • 8. Post-iPhone Depression With iPhone, as you are given a complete keyboard, the chance of making a mistake is rare. If this rare event occurs, an effective correction system is active to ensure your message is perfectly structured and spelt before sending. However predictive text on phones that are not as accurate can result in tragic consequences such as entering wrong addresses, times or names. Which could compromise my safety and make you unaware of my whereabouts.
  • 9. iPhones also have a unique operating system which takes a long time to come to terms with. As an iPhone user yourself (currently an owner of 2 whilst I am in possession of 0) I am sure you will agree that you would find it difficult if not IMPOSSIBLE to return to another phone. The secure lock screen system also prevents pedophiles and serial killers obtaining life-threatening information such as your house address or even your alarm code. This should also worry you as we live in the same house and your life expectancy should mean you last another 33 years yet- could be reduced to a number of days with an Alcatel present. Post-iPhone Depression
  • 10. Risk of abduction With no phone, if I were to encounter a kidnapper, I would not be able to ring anyone when I saw him and you would also not be able to track my location without the presence of a mobile phone. With an Alcatel, the typing speed is also extremely slow due to the numerous taps required to enter a simple message and the buttons being incredibly stiff to push down. The lack of speed dial function also means I could not make a fast call and unlike iPhone, there is no emergency call option.
  • 11. Spotify Although Alcatels are well equipped with a torch and radio (which requires a head set that must be purchased in addition to the phone) you are unable to use any kind of music apps such as spotify. This means I have to listen online on my iPad and compromise the music needs of Jessie and Dad. It also needs a hotspot to connect which compromises your data allowance, Jessies and Dads. Studies show that carrying an iPad around instead of a phone increases the chances of being mugged or attacked by chavs by approximately 200%. That is four people suffering alcatel related consequences, and my life and face at risk.
  • 12. Health Related Issues Arthritis Anger and Frustration caused by slow processing- you have to pay more for anger management and therapy classes Lack of self esteem and confidence walking around holding a 贈2.99 phone Reduction of street cred Grief Nausea Increased blood pressure due to extra effort from typing- more oxygen needs to be pumped to muscle cells so they can respire more, produce more energy and contract more often
  • 13. Health Related Issues: Heart failure Muscles in hand do not receive enough oxygen due to higher intensity physical activity from pressing buttons down Forced to respire anaerobically using glucose instead of oxygen This produces lactic acid Lactic acid is toxic Death of cells Death
  • 14. Successful Parenting The criteria for being a successful parent varies based on personal opinion, however there are 3 main guidelines a parent should stick to, to ensure a happy relationship with their children and their children's well-being 1. Be sharing 2. Be kind 3. Be willing to donate iPhones to children in life threatening circumstances
  • 15. OVERALL I hope you will realise that keeping any phone other than an iPhone holds no benefits whatsoever to any of our lives and can pose many life-threatening consequences. I am fully aware I threw my old iPhone into our pool however I blame my iPhones despondent state solely on the expensive waterproof case which failed to work despite being tested and working many times in the past. I also blame Dad for buying the underwater lights and snorkels which made the prospect of filming Millie and I underwater exciting. And lastly Apple for not yet creating a waterproof iPhone. I would also finally like to remind you I have had the phone for over 2 years, the same time you and dad have ploughed through 3 brand new iPhones each- one being stolen, and another dropped down the toilet.