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Looking inside the jar

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Nicholas Curtis
Nicholas Curtis

The document discusses different types of relationships and how to develop them. It states that relationships are based on trust, needs being met, love and affinity. It emphasizes looking at the substance of a relationship rather than focusing on labels. The key aspects of building relationships are showing care, understanding, respect, spending quality time together and ensuring reciprocation from both parties. Relationships take work and developing over time based on mutual liking, interest and trust between individuals.

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Looking Inside the Jar Resource for those with Aspergers and low social skills The Label Controversy Too many people focus on the label and categorize relationships based on acquaintance, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends with benefits. They go into detail on the many different types of relationships and trying to fit everyone into their mold. We all do relationships differently and see things differently so it is important to respect each others comfort zones. We cannot fit people into how we do relationships. There are many different types of friends and interpersonal relationships as there are people, but we have to understand that not everyone wants relationships done that way. We get so focused on categories, labels that we do not realize we are putting people in boxes and treating them like mathematical equations. Everyone is different and unique and does relationships differently. The reason we focus on labels, is because we are trying to conform people to labels, because we have our own categories and the duties of each and expect people to line up with it. But that is not how relationships work. For example, in a canned vegetable factory, the label doesnt come on the can, until the right vegetables are in the can and the can is sealed good. Same with relationships, the label does not come on, until you have developed a relationship with them. Its not until you develop a relationship that you can call it whatever you want to. Too often, people tell others, were friends, but they do not know the main details of the relationship to know, so thats why they get hung up on these relationships. To look in the jar to know what the relationship is about, it is important to know what the relationship is based on and the purpose of the relationship in your life. Usually with most people, this comes naturally, but like me who has aspergers syndrome Basis of Relationships Relationships are based on trust and needs. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Too often, people look at relationships with distorted lense. The Bible makes it very clear that Relationships are based on faith which works through love (Galatians 5:6). Jesus said if anyone trusted in him for salvation from sin, they will have eternal life (John 3:15-16). Everything is done by trust in God (Habakkuk 2:4). God created relationships to be that way. We trust others in our lives for specific purposes. For example, we trust the librarian to check out our books for us because she does that to help us read. We trust our friends to be there for us and enjoy life with us, and we trust our family to support us. Now where relationships differentiate is what they trust. Bonds form based on trust with a certain area. For example, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships form because both people trust that each other will be a good match for each other. Both people like each other and love each other personally. We are all commanded to love everyone and to care for everyone, but when it comes to our friends and family, its personal since its purely about each other. Its not just caring out of obligation, its caring because of the person. Its spending time with them, having fun with them because of them, not because you go to school with them. We are not always going to trust everyone with a personal relationship, but in life, we will trust people enough to have conversations, to do business with them, to share issues with them. A lot of aspies and people with poor social skills wonder why it is so difficult to talk to people and build friendships with people, its because of a level of trust needs to be built. Relationships are established on love and trust, and affinity will follow suit. Relationships can be based on anything, but usually, the bedrock of any relationship is love and trust in some fashion (not always romantic love and trust) and affinity comes when two people come together and form a personal bond. Thats what separates a friend from anyone else.
Building Affinity, Love and Trust Relationships are all about fulfilling our social needs and the best way to build trust with people is to understand them, listen to them, and care for them. Too often, aspies tend to think on themselves so they have serious trouble with empathy, but its not as hard as they make it out to be. Be there for them, make them feel welcome. Humans basic needs are love, affection and belongingness. Make them feel safe, be kind to them, be genuinely interested in them. Show them you care about them, and you like them by showing affection and making connections with them. Be interested in what they are interested in, respect their interests, goals and hobbies and show appreciate for them. There is a difference in loving someone, and loving someone. Let me elaborate, when I say I love someone, I care about them and want whats best for them, but when I say I love someone, I genuinely care about that person, attach myself to that person, and serve that person. Personal relationships are nearly impossible to describe because its a wonderful feeling. The ones I have are great because me and them talk, care about each other and spend time with each other because of our love for each other. Its real because we do not just do it out of obligation, we do it out of sincere love and affection for each other. The best way to win peoples trust is to show them they belong by accepting them for who they are and showing them you understand them and care about them. People attach themselves to other people that they know will fill their needs of belongingness. Second, showing them you are interested in them shows them affection and that attracts people. Thats why it is easy to make friends in chess club because of similar interests. Show them you are into them by wanting to spend time with them, have fun with them, etc. This is the prerequisite to having a close friendship with someone. Show them you want to spend time with them if you are interested in them. Lastly, show them you love them by caring about them and being there for them. Believe the best for them, push them forward in life. Show this all throughout the relationship process. It is important to be a friend by showing others how much you love them, like them, and trust them. You will not be everyones friend, but still, be cool, be a friend to people and be relaxed. People like it when you are positive, happy and relaxed, so be cool for everyone and love everyone. Now do not be creepy, take things one step at a time. Building trust takes time and it is important that you let the relationship grow at its pace. Still, show love and interest for people. Its easy to make friends by being on the receiving end, when they are doing it, but sometimes, it is important if you do the inviting. That way, there is reciprocation. For any personal relationship, from super casual friend to girlfriend, it is important to have affinity, or having a liking for each other so a bond can form. It takes time, but show interest in someone by showing them you like them and want to be with them in life. Without affinity, it is impossible to have a personal relationship, because affinity holds the relationship together. If you do not love them, then they will not like you, and the trust is demonished. Spend time with them, respect them. Show them respect so they will know they are valued, accepted, loved. Do what Jesus would do, love others unconditionally, show others they are valued, accepted and loved. Go with the Flow Before you label someone a friend, coworker, etc, make sure there is reciprocation on both sides. Im not saying we should give and expect in return, but we should make sure the other person is being a friend as well. Relationships take two people being similar to each other. Both people need to be doing the same thing for a bond to work. You cannot have one person being a friend while the other person only is being a coworker. Both hearts have to be in gear. In Nikolai Curtiss famous poem, Lawda- Mod Erie, he says, her heart was small, my heart was grand to signify how much he liked this girl, but she didnt like him back as much. Hearts need to be on the same page or you will be miserable. Now we will like our friends more, but if they just want to be casual friends, then just be casual friends with them. Love does not behave unseemly so we need to respect others boundaries when we are a
friend to them. Do not make them uncomfortable. If you walk into a group and people dont seem interested, then respect their wishes. Its their loss. Make sure the other person is doing the same as you are doing. Sometimes, people are nice to other people and are into others, but they are only being nice, they arent interested in friendship with the other person. Friendship goes both ways. Now there are other typologies of friends, such as a mentor, sponsor, helper, accountability partner, but its not a reciprocated relationship. They care about you, but they do not want a friendship with you. Those are great to have right now. Now family is stronger than friendship, as blood is thicker than water, and they are there for you no matter what and blood relationships are permanent relationships that you can never lose. Your personal relationship with them may change, you may not like them, but they are there for you. Also, make sure if you have business and educational relationships that both will reciprocate, or else, dont be their project partner. Do not trust people that will not do the job. Some of my friends, I will never have as project partners. Some of my distant family, will never be my friends as long as they remain distant. Just go with the flow and just talk to others. Relationship does not have to be friends for people to love you, but only trust people with a friendship if they are willing to go. A warning sign to look out for is if you are interested in them and they accept that, but they do not show it back. It means they just are not looking for friendship. Do not mistake those for friendships. They love you, but they just do not want a friendship. Relationships come and go so it is important to keep up with the relationship. Some people who used to be strong friends may just be casual friends, or even acquaintances. To be or not to be .A friendship is a personal relationship based on mutual affection for each other and people have to want that relationship with you for it to happen. Things may be ripe, but people have to want it. Sometimes people just dont want a relationship with you right now and that is okay. Sometimes people do not want to be coworkers, project partners. Even in friendship, sometimes, people do not want to talk, they do not feel like hanging out and that is because they may be going through something. Just give people space and let things flow. Do not be clingy, let your heart be a revolving door. Just let relationships come in and come out. If they want to delete you, let them. Relationships are based on free will so let them come as they go. I understand dealing with mass rejection is hard so if people do not seem interested, then let them be. Do not let it cripple who you are. You cannot force a relationship. Have this philosophy, as long as you care about me, love me, and like me, I will do the same back with you. This is not being manipulative, just a way of respecting peoples boundaries. Not everyone everyday will be fourth of July where everyone will celebrate. Friends will let you down, but its during the rough times that the story of your relationship gets better. So just be yourself and serve others. Just let the relationship be what it is. I have a friend who just considers me a friend because she does not have a problem with me. When she sees me, she hugs me, she talks to me. Its weird I know and it doesnt sit well with how I do relationships, but I allow it. A good philosophy to use is people can be what they want with me, but I have my boundaries. Just be there to serve others, and love others. Do not harass others and try to push things, if it is this way, it is and move on. A new way of looking at things Looking inside of the jar instead of the label helps us go about relationships better. Relationships are not about labels, they are about needs being met. A lot of people tell me, we-re friends, but its what the friendship is about that matters. So when looking for relationships, look for people that will meet your needs of belongingness, affection and love. Look for the librarian that will check out your books with a smile. Look for the doctor that will do the best work for you. Look for the job that will do you the most good. Look for the friends that you can hang out with and spend time with. Look for the group that you can feel connected. Look for the friends that you feel connected with. When going
about relationships, evaluate how they will be in your life. Let people be who they are and see from there how they will be. Be friendly to others and others may open up to you and be friendly back. The deeper the friendship, the more involved you will be with each other and the more complicated the connection will be. But people can connect in different ways. So see how someone fits in your life and go from there. Instead of seeing people as friends, acquaintances to see if they will match the job description, just see if people will care about you, if people will love you, if people will understand you, if people want to associate with you. See how that person is in your life and how that person is in your life. Each type of relationship people come up with has a standard trust to it, so for example, if someone said we were school friends, he trusted me as someone he talked to in school. If someone saw me as a project partner for work, he or she saw me as an asset for a project partner. Let me give you some pointers on what to look for in some types of relationship: 1. Coworker-Look for someone who will help you work to your potential. 2. Mentor-Look for someone who will help you be the best you can be, without the pressures of a normal friendship. 3. Pastor-Look for someone that will help you succeed in life 4. Sponsor-Look for someone who can help me go through step study 5. Friend-Look for someone who will like you and love you and will spend time with you (connect & share) 6. Acquaintance-Look for someone who will be cool with you 7. Girlfriend/Wife-Look for someone who you truly like and love and want to spend the rest of your days with. Someone that gets you and you can have fun with. 8. Best Friend/Close Friend-Look for someone that gets you and you can have so much fun with and that you can share your problems with. Conclusion There are many different types of friends, which all of them are based on like, love and trust. There are many different types of professional relationships, due to different needs being met. Not all of my friendships are the same. But seeing things in the jar and not just the label helps change perspective. Some people will say, well I see friendship different than you so I will not be with you, but I care about you, but only choose friends that do care about you, want to spend time with you and be there with you. Choose friends that you can spend time with, enjoy life with, etc. One person said, Nick, I pray for you every night, I do love you, but I could not do anything for her because she did not want a normal personal relationship with me, so she did not talk to me, spend time with me, etc. She wanted to help me, but she could not do what was necessary for that to happen. She helped all her other friends, and talked to them, but she didnt do that with me. If she did talk to me, and spend time with me, then I could develop a close personal relationship with them. Make sure to set boundaries so the relationships you have will be meaningful. Best way to set boundaries to avoid collision with relational philosophies:
Only Talk to People if: 1. They respect you 2. They will talk to you back 3. They like you, are interested in you Only be friends with people that: 1. Care about you 2. Respect you 3. like you, are interested in you 4. Will not back talk you behind your back 5. Want to spend time with you, associate with you Only share problems and intimate details if: 1. This person is a friend, and 2. This person wants to do the same back.

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Looking inside the jar

  • 1. Looking Inside the Jar Resource for those with Aspergers and low social skills The Label Controversy Too many people focus on the label and categorize relationships based on acquaintance, friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends with benefits. They go into detail on the many different types of relationships and trying to fit everyone into their mold. We all do relationships differently and see things differently so it is important to respect each others comfort zones. We cannot fit people into how we do relationships. There are many different types of friends and interpersonal relationships as there are people, but we have to understand that not everyone wants relationships done that way. We get so focused on categories, labels that we do not realize we are putting people in boxes and treating them like mathematical equations. Everyone is different and unique and does relationships differently. The reason we focus on labels, is because we are trying to conform people to labels, because we have our own categories and the duties of each and expect people to line up with it. But that is not how relationships work. For example, in a canned vegetable factory, the label doesnt come on the can, until the right vegetables are in the can and the can is sealed good. Same with relationships, the label does not come on, until you have developed a relationship with them. Its not until you develop a relationship that you can call it whatever you want to. Too often, people tell others, were friends, but they do not know the main details of the relationship to know, so thats why they get hung up on these relationships. To look in the jar to know what the relationship is about, it is important to know what the relationship is based on and the purpose of the relationship in your life. Usually with most people, this comes naturally, but like me who has aspergers syndrome Basis of Relationships Relationships are based on trust and needs. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Too often, people look at relationships with distorted lense. The Bible makes it very clear that Relationships are based on faith which works through love (Galatians 5:6). Jesus said if anyone trusted in him for salvation from sin, they will have eternal life (John 3:15-16). Everything is done by trust in God (Habakkuk 2:4). God created relationships to be that way. We trust others in our lives for specific purposes. For example, we trust the librarian to check out our books for us because she does that to help us read. We trust our friends to be there for us and enjoy life with us, and we trust our family to support us. Now where relationships differentiate is what they trust. Bonds form based on trust with a certain area. For example, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships form because both people trust that each other will be a good match for each other. Both people like each other and love each other personally. We are all commanded to love everyone and to care for everyone, but when it comes to our friends and family, its personal since its purely about each other. Its not just caring out of obligation, its caring because of the person. Its spending time with them, having fun with them because of them, not because you go to school with them. We are not always going to trust everyone with a personal relationship, but in life, we will trust people enough to have conversations, to do business with them, to share issues with them. A lot of aspies and people with poor social skills wonder why it is so difficult to talk to people and build friendships with people, its because of a level of trust needs to be built. Relationships are established on love and trust, and affinity will follow suit. Relationships can be based on anything, but usually, the bedrock of any relationship is love and trust in some fashion (not always romantic love and trust) and affinity comes when two people come together and form a personal bond. Thats what separates a friend from anyone else.
  • 2. Building Affinity, Love and Trust Relationships are all about fulfilling our social needs and the best way to build trust with people is to understand them, listen to them, and care for them. Too often, aspies tend to think on themselves so they have serious trouble with empathy, but its not as hard as they make it out to be. Be there for them, make them feel welcome. Humans basic needs are love, affection and belongingness. Make them feel safe, be kind to them, be genuinely interested in them. Show them you care about them, and you like them by showing affection and making connections with them. Be interested in what they are interested in, respect their interests, goals and hobbies and show appreciate for them. There is a difference in loving someone, and loving someone. Let me elaborate, when I say I love someone, I care about them and want whats best for them, but when I say I love someone, I genuinely care about that person, attach myself to that person, and serve that person. Personal relationships are nearly impossible to describe because its a wonderful feeling. The ones I have are great because me and them talk, care about each other and spend time with each other because of our love for each other. Its real because we do not just do it out of obligation, we do it out of sincere love and affection for each other. The best way to win peoples trust is to show them they belong by accepting them for who they are and showing them you understand them and care about them. People attach themselves to other people that they know will fill their needs of belongingness. Second, showing them you are interested in them shows them affection and that attracts people. Thats why it is easy to make friends in chess club because of similar interests. Show them you are into them by wanting to spend time with them, have fun with them, etc. This is the prerequisite to having a close friendship with someone. Show them you want to spend time with them if you are interested in them. Lastly, show them you love them by caring about them and being there for them. Believe the best for them, push them forward in life. Show this all throughout the relationship process. It is important to be a friend by showing others how much you love them, like them, and trust them. You will not be everyones friend, but still, be cool, be a friend to people and be relaxed. People like it when you are positive, happy and relaxed, so be cool for everyone and love everyone. Now do not be creepy, take things one step at a time. Building trust takes time and it is important that you let the relationship grow at its pace. Still, show love and interest for people. Its easy to make friends by being on the receiving end, when they are doing it, but sometimes, it is important if you do the inviting. That way, there is reciprocation. For any personal relationship, from super casual friend to girlfriend, it is important to have affinity, or having a liking for each other so a bond can form. It takes time, but show interest in someone by showing them you like them and want to be with them in life. Without affinity, it is impossible to have a personal relationship, because affinity holds the relationship together. If you do not love them, then they will not like you, and the trust is demonished. Spend time with them, respect them. Show them respect so they will know they are valued, accepted, loved. Do what Jesus would do, love others unconditionally, show others they are valued, accepted and loved. Go with the Flow Before you label someone a friend, coworker, etc, make sure there is reciprocation on both sides. Im not saying we should give and expect in return, but we should make sure the other person is being a friend as well. Relationships take two people being similar to each other. Both people need to be doing the same thing for a bond to work. You cannot have one person being a friend while the other person only is being a coworker. Both hearts have to be in gear. In Nikolai Curtiss famous poem, Lawda- Mod Erie, he says, her heart was small, my heart was grand to signify how much he liked this girl, but she didnt like him back as much. Hearts need to be on the same page or you will be miserable. Now we will like our friends more, but if they just want to be casual friends, then just be casual friends with them. Love does not behave unseemly so we need to respect others boundaries when we are a
  • 3. friend to them. Do not make them uncomfortable. If you walk into a group and people dont seem interested, then respect their wishes. Its their loss. Make sure the other person is doing the same as you are doing. Sometimes, people are nice to other people and are into others, but they are only being nice, they arent interested in friendship with the other person. Friendship goes both ways. Now there are other typologies of friends, such as a mentor, sponsor, helper, accountability partner, but its not a reciprocated relationship. They care about you, but they do not want a friendship with you. Those are great to have right now. Now family is stronger than friendship, as blood is thicker than water, and they are there for you no matter what and blood relationships are permanent relationships that you can never lose. Your personal relationship with them may change, you may not like them, but they are there for you. Also, make sure if you have business and educational relationships that both will reciprocate, or else, dont be their project partner. Do not trust people that will not do the job. Some of my friends, I will never have as project partners. Some of my distant family, will never be my friends as long as they remain distant. Just go with the flow and just talk to others. Relationship does not have to be friends for people to love you, but only trust people with a friendship if they are willing to go. A warning sign to look out for is if you are interested in them and they accept that, but they do not show it back. It means they just are not looking for friendship. Do not mistake those for friendships. They love you, but they just do not want a friendship. Relationships come and go so it is important to keep up with the relationship. Some people who used to be strong friends may just be casual friends, or even acquaintances. To be or not to be .A friendship is a personal relationship based on mutual affection for each other and people have to want that relationship with you for it to happen. Things may be ripe, but people have to want it. Sometimes people just dont want a relationship with you right now and that is okay. Sometimes people do not want to be coworkers, project partners. Even in friendship, sometimes, people do not want to talk, they do not feel like hanging out and that is because they may be going through something. Just give people space and let things flow. Do not be clingy, let your heart be a revolving door. Just let relationships come in and come out. If they want to delete you, let them. Relationships are based on free will so let them come as they go. I understand dealing with mass rejection is hard so if people do not seem interested, then let them be. Do not let it cripple who you are. You cannot force a relationship. Have this philosophy, as long as you care about me, love me, and like me, I will do the same back with you. This is not being manipulative, just a way of respecting peoples boundaries. Not everyone everyday will be fourth of July where everyone will celebrate. Friends will let you down, but its during the rough times that the story of your relationship gets better. So just be yourself and serve others. Just let the relationship be what it is. I have a friend who just considers me a friend because she does not have a problem with me. When she sees me, she hugs me, she talks to me. Its weird I know and it doesnt sit well with how I do relationships, but I allow it. A good philosophy to use is people can be what they want with me, but I have my boundaries. Just be there to serve others, and love others. Do not harass others and try to push things, if it is this way, it is and move on. A new way of looking at things Looking inside of the jar instead of the label helps us go about relationships better. Relationships are not about labels, they are about needs being met. A lot of people tell me, we-re friends, but its what the friendship is about that matters. So when looking for relationships, look for people that will meet your needs of belongingness, affection and love. Look for the librarian that will check out your books with a smile. Look for the doctor that will do the best work for you. Look for the job that will do you the most good. Look for the friends that you can hang out with and spend time with. Look for the group that you can feel connected. Look for the friends that you feel connected with. When going
  • 4. about relationships, evaluate how they will be in your life. Let people be who they are and see from there how they will be. Be friendly to others and others may open up to you and be friendly back. The deeper the friendship, the more involved you will be with each other and the more complicated the connection will be. But people can connect in different ways. So see how someone fits in your life and go from there. Instead of seeing people as friends, acquaintances to see if they will match the job description, just see if people will care about you, if people will love you, if people will understand you, if people want to associate with you. See how that person is in your life and how that person is in your life. Each type of relationship people come up with has a standard trust to it, so for example, if someone said we were school friends, he trusted me as someone he talked to in school. If someone saw me as a project partner for work, he or she saw me as an asset for a project partner. Let me give you some pointers on what to look for in some types of relationship: 1. Coworker-Look for someone who will help you work to your potential. 2. Mentor-Look for someone who will help you be the best you can be, without the pressures of a normal friendship. 3. Pastor-Look for someone that will help you succeed in life 4. Sponsor-Look for someone who can help me go through step study 5. Friend-Look for someone who will like you and love you and will spend time with you (connect & share) 6. Acquaintance-Look for someone who will be cool with you 7. Girlfriend/Wife-Look for someone who you truly like and love and want to spend the rest of your days with. Someone that gets you and you can have fun with. 8. Best Friend/Close Friend-Look for someone that gets you and you can have so much fun with and that you can share your problems with. Conclusion There are many different types of friends, which all of them are based on like, love and trust. There are many different types of professional relationships, due to different needs being met. Not all of my friendships are the same. But seeing things in the jar and not just the label helps change perspective. Some people will say, well I see friendship different than you so I will not be with you, but I care about you, but only choose friends that do care about you, want to spend time with you and be there with you. Choose friends that you can spend time with, enjoy life with, etc. One person said, Nick, I pray for you every night, I do love you, but I could not do anything for her because she did not want a normal personal relationship with me, so she did not talk to me, spend time with me, etc. She wanted to help me, but she could not do what was necessary for that to happen. She helped all her other friends, and talked to them, but she didnt do that with me. If she did talk to me, and spend time with me, then I could develop a close personal relationship with them. Make sure to set boundaries so the relationships you have will be meaningful. Best way to set boundaries to avoid collision with relational philosophies:
  • 5. Only Talk to People if: 1. They respect you 2. They will talk to you back 3. They like you, are interested in you Only be friends with people that: 1. Care about you 2. Respect you 3. like you, are interested in you 4. Will not back talk you behind your back 5. Want to spend time with you, associate with you Only share problems and intimate details if: 1. This person is a friend, and 2. This person wants to do the same back.