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"Love is not enough for a relationship to
work"
Routine, apathy, almost comfortable silences, lack of intimacy and desire, fantasizing
about another life, sadness... Does this sequence sound familiar? When we stop
watering that "little plant" that is called "bond" we begin to slowly "kill" love. But
sometimes it turns out that love is only asleep, dormant, fallow, waiting to receive what
is necessary for it to emerge again.
Some people go to couples therapy when, despite feeling that they still love each other,
they do not see a way to recover what they feel they have lost. What can be found out
in couples therapy? We spoke with psychologist Carmen Benítez, founder and
co-director of El Olivo Psicoterapia Humanista, to learn about the emotional springs that

a couple needs to activate to "start over" and what would be the signs that indicate that
it would be more appropriate to start the painful process of the breakup.
Her Secret Desires
What signs indicate that a relationship can be rebuilt?
What we analyze in a couples therapy is whether there are indicators that show that the
relationship is still alive. One of them is the capacity of acceptance of the other as it
is, in front of the desire to change, because that would be a negative indicator.
Rejoicing with the joys of the other can be another positive sign and another is the
ability to create a good intimacy as a couple. It also influences the ability to say "you
are the first, not the only one, but the first", that is, the ability to say that the other
person is before my parents or my siblings, for example. That is not easy, because it
has to do with the way in which each person renounces an individual dream in favor of a
shared dream.
But did that mean they still love each other?
The love in the couple is transformed with the passage of time. What is initially a
passion, which depends on instincts, is transformed over time. We say that love is a
goal that is not achieved from the beginning. There may be from the beginning a
good connection, an attraction, but love is something that is created and built over time
and sometimes can even be understood as an attitude, a vital state.
It is true that now what we often find in couples therapies are problems of power
struggle that have to do with the desire to impose one criterion on the other or with the
desire to always be right or with the consequences of the conflicts that arise when the
couple begins to live together.
And with coexistence come the problems...
There may be the fact that before coexistence things go more or less well and that,
once you live together, a series of conflicts arise that lead to one or the other trying to
impose their criteria or what they believe is best according to what they have lived or
according to their history. Reaching agreements in these situations is what can help
create a new unity, a kind of "third party", a "link" or a "we".

HER SECRET DESIRES
What are the errors in coexistence or the triggers of conflicts?
It is curious because in coexistence the couple can argue with the same intensity for
things that are of negligible importance (leave or not close the toothpaste, for example)
and for others that have much more importance such as the decision of the school to
which the children are going to go. What we see in the background in these cases is not
the content, but the way in which each of them tries to impose, at the beginning of
coexistence, the model he lived with his parents. It is as if, underneath, there is a kind of
struggle over which is the best model, even if the conflict is shown through small details.
Something that is common in the first interview in a couples therapy is that both
synthesize the reason for their consultation saying that they have a "communication
problem". But, in general, under this communication problem there are other "jams"
that are the ones that will be discovered throughout the process. The key is that at the
beginning of coexistence there are usually conflicts and it is convenient to reach
agreements and not take old models as valid, but to create something new, totally new,
because this way they can look forward.
And besides, I understand that building something new must be something
liberating...
That's it. The couple is the unit of greatest creativity that exists. Through it can come
new projects such as children, or a business, or the house ... Or many more. It is one of
the living organisms that allows more creativity. Out of love many things can be done.
But, of course, for a relationship to work, love is not enough...
"Separation is the human pain that is most difficult for us to go through.
Many people prefer to live as a couple than to separate."
Carmen Benítez

Why isn't love enough?
Because sometimes we are not mature, because sometimes we come loaded with
traumas from the past and we want the other person to solve them, because
sometimes there is no balance between what we give and what we receive and
because love has a measure. Every kind of love has a measure. Love for the couple,
for children, for friendships, love in general has a measure. When we go from giving we
create a very dependent relationship, in which one becomes (let's put it this way, in a
very symbolic way) a "master" and the other, a "slave". To think that "I am the one I love
the most" is a very ego thing.
But sometimes it is said that "I am the one who loves you the most"
thinking that we are "generous" for wanting a lot ...
No, to say "I am the one who loves the other the most" is to give a lot of importance
to oneself. And in a couple it is about "wanting better" not "wanting more".
Everything in this life has a measure and so does love.
In a couple, one plus one is two?
No, it's not two. It's three. The equation changes and mathematics fails when we talk
about love. In love a couple is one plus one plus a "we", that is, a shared dream, an

idea of "forever" or at least an idea of challenging the concept of time.However, in
couples therapy sessions we see that sometimes a person fails because he comes with
many "jams" from his past, or sometimes the other fails for another circumstance or
even sometimes what fails is the "bond". This is usually seen more in relationships that
have children. Somehow that bond, which is like a "little plant" that two people have
to take care of, is left in the background and not taken care of. The day to day with the
children is put first. The years begin to pass and that relationship that was full of
"words", "intimacy", "looks", "complicity" and a saying "hello" and immediately knowing
how the other person is, begins to become a routine machinery stripped of those silent
and wonderful elements that only those two people knew. And this is where love begins
to disappear. Some couples arrive at a therapy in a state in which yes, they love each
other, they have affection, but they stopped taking care of that union, that bond or that
"third" that is so important.
And what happens when we compare ourselves to other couples?
In the last 60 years the couple models have changed a lot. Formerly the first thing you
had to do is have the family book because the couple was to start a family. There were
even marriages that did not come together for love but to have children or for a social or
economic issue. This has changed a lot and in the "menu" there are many types of
couple. If the intention, when we look at other models is to learn to grow, welcome. But
if the intention is to harass the other to ask for more that is something else.
In addition, there is something that we must take into account when making these
comparisons. Every couple has two faces, one public and one intimate. Sometimes
we can be surprised by the breakup of that idyllic couple of our group of friends that
seemed perfect. But the truth is that it is likely that this couple had a wonderful public
face, but then their intimacy was empty or unsatisfactory. Or it may happen that a
couple is all day arguing publicly, but then have a special intimacy, full of details, looks,
gestures, rituals, words and bond ... Comparing yourself to other couples is difficult,
because you almost never see the intimate part. And when looking only at the public
part we only see the "façade" of the building. You can't know "how you would live
inside."
What signs indicate it's time to break up a relationship?
It's not easy. Separation is the human pain that is most difficult for us to go through.
Many people prefer to live as a couple than separate. The most intense pain of the
human condition would be the separation, in general, of the children, of the couple...
That's why we do everything we can to avoid it. And that makes it so that there are

people who stay like this for a long time and thus find it even more difficult to see those
signs.
Say Hello To "Make Him Worship You".
The presence of a conflict is not always an indicator that a relationship needs to be
broken. Sometimes it does, but other times it doesn't have to. The clearest indicators
are when someone tries to impose himself on the other person, when he tries to have
the power or always be right or when he always tries to change the other.
Another signal is given when there is little balance between what is given and what is
received. When one person gives a lot and the other is in the "receiving" a "mother-son"
or "father-daughter" relationship is created that, in some way, kills the love of a couple.
Sexuality is also important, understood as a force or as the muscle of the couple's
relationship. Some couples may spend most of their lives exempt from that part, but
they are going to be couples with weak bonds.
It may also be the case that a lot of damage has been done to one of the members of
the couple, because in that case it would also be difficult to rebuild that relationship.

And the same can happen when you break with the "myths" of that couple. Now we are
seeing that there is a mythology in the couples of the present that includes concepts as
pillars such as communication, trust and fidelity. And that means that if one fails, for
example fidelity, the other two pillars fall.
That said, what is certain is that sometimes crises are generators of important changes
in the couple and positive in the couple. A crisis can give muscle, strength and reality to
a couple.
What's behind those couples who never argue?
Something weird. In that type of couples there is one of them who has given up being
who he is to be as the other person would like him to be. It is true that a high level of
conflict is not acceptable but the fact that there is no such thing as anything can indicate
that someone is giving up their vision of life or their contribution of who they are to that
relationship.
Say Hello To "Make Him Worship You"
HIS SECRET OBSESSION

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LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

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