Managing Conflict at Home and Church.ppt
- 1. Managing Conflict at Home Managing Conflict at Home and Church and Church How to resolve disagreements How to resolve disagreements in close relationships in close relationships
- 2. Good marriages take work. Contrary Good marriages take work. Contrary to popular belief, it is not how much to popular belief, it is not how much you love each other that can best you love each other that can best predict the future of your relationship, predict the future of your relationship, but how conflicts and disagreements but how conflicts and disagreements are handled. are handled.
- 3. Unfortunately, conflict is inevitable -- Unfortunately, conflict is inevitable -- it cant be avoided. So if you want to it cant be avoided. So if you want to have a good marriage, youd better have a good marriage, youd better learn to fight right. Markman, learn to fight right. Markman, Stanley and Blumberg in Stanley and Blumberg in Fighting for Fighting for Your Marriage Your Marriage
- 4. Why do we have conflicts in Why do we have conflicts in relationships? relationships? Different backgrounds Different backgrounds Different training Different training Different orientation Different orientation
- 5. Why we have conflicts in Why we have conflicts in relationships relationships Different mindset Different mindset Different past Different past experiences experiences
- 6. Why we have conflicts in Why we have conflicts in relationships relationships Different sexes Different sexes Difficult persons to Difficult persons to get along with get along with
- 7. Why we have conflicts in Why we have conflicts in relationships relationships Different ways Different ways of viewing of viewing things things Different Different temperament temperament or personality or personality types types
- 8. Temperament types Temperament types Sanguine Sanguine Lets have fun doing it Lets have fun doing it Influencer Influencer Melancholy Melancholy Lets do it perfectly Lets do it perfectly Thinker Thinker Choleric Choleric Lets get it done now Lets get it done now Leader Leader Phlegmatic Phlegmatic Lets do it peacefully Lets do it peacefully Peace-maker Peace-maker
- 9. Temperament types Temperament types Sanguine Sanguine Carefree, excitable, fun- Carefree, excitable, fun- loving, adventurous, loving, adventurous, spontaneous spontaneous Melancholy Melancholy Meticulous, careful, Meticulous, careful, fastidious, perfectionist, fastidious, perfectionist, Choleric Choleric Bossy, arrogant, Bossy, arrogant, controlling, opinionated, controlling, opinionated, determined determined Phlegmatic Phlegmatic Easy-going, laid-back, Easy-going, laid-back, peaceful, slow, relaxed peaceful, slow, relaxed
- 10. Temperament types Temperament types Sanguine Sanguine Carefree, excitable, fun- Carefree, excitable, fun- loving, adventurous, loving, adventurous, spontaneous spontaneous Melancholy Melancholy Meticulous, careful, Meticulous, careful, fastidious, perfectionist, fastidious, perfectionist, Choleric Choleric Bossy, arrogant, Bossy, arrogant, controlling, opinionated, controlling, opinionated, determined determined Phlegmatic Phlegmatic Easy-going, laid-back, Easy-going, laid-back, peaceful, slow, relaxed peaceful, slow, relaxed
- 11. Temperament types Temperament types Sanguine Sanguine Carefree, excitable, fun- Carefree, excitable, fun- loving, adventurous, loving, adventurous, spontaneous spontaneous Melancholy Melancholy Meticulous, careful, Meticulous, careful, fastidious, perfectionist, fastidious, perfectionist, Choleric Choleric Bossy, arrogant, Bossy, arrogant, controlling, opinionated, controlling, opinionated, determined determined Phlegmatic Phlegmatic Easy-going, laid-back, Easy-going, laid-back, peaceful, slow, relaxed peaceful, slow, relaxed
- 12. Temperament types needs Temperament types needs Sanguine Sanguine Organization, Organization, structure, planning, to structure, planning, to listen, discipline listen, discipline Melancholy Melancholy Flexibility, patience Flexibility, patience, , sense of sense of humor, humor, tolerance tolerance Choleric Choleric Humility, tolerance, Humility, tolerance, to slow-down, to slow-down, compassion compassion Phlegmatic Phlegmatic Drive, passion, Drive, passion, promptness, promptness, diligence, goals diligence, goals
- 13. It is in the order of God to bring It is in the order of God to bring persons of different temperament persons of different temperament types together so that their blend can types together so that their blend can be a benefit to both. be a benefit to both. When different temperament types When different temperament types marry, they should see how their marry, they should see how their differences can complement each differences can complement each other, rather than fight over their other, rather than fight over their differences. differences.
- 14. Why we have conflicts in Why we have conflicts in relationships relationships Satan is at work in the family and in the church. 1Pet. 5:8; Job 1:6 Satan is at work in the family and in the church. 1Pet. 5:8; Job 1:6
- 15. Ellen White says Ellen White says He, (Satan) is intruding his presence in He, (Satan) is intruding his presence in every department of the household every department of the household breaking up families breaking up families Great Controversy, Great Controversy, p. 508 p. 508 In the family, Satan is at work. His In the family, Satan is at work. His banner waves even in professedly banner waves even in professedly Christian Christian households households. Great Controversy, . Great Controversy, p. 585 p. 585
- 16. Conflict defined Conflict defined A conflict is a situation in which two or A conflict is a situation in which two or more human beings desire goals which more human beings desire goals which they perceive as being attainable by one they perceive as being attainable by one or the other but not by both.--- or the other but not by both.--- McSwain, Treadwell, McSwain, Treadwell, Conflict Ministry In the Conflict Ministry In the Church Church, p. 25 , p. 25
- 17. Conflict defined Conflict defined A conflict is a struggle over values and A conflict is a struggle over values and claims to scarce status, power and claims to scarce status, power and resources in which the aims of the resources in which the aims of the opponents are to neutralize, injure or opponents are to neutralize, injure or eliminate their rivals. eliminate their rivals. Coser, Coser, The Functions of Social Conflicts, The Functions of Social Conflicts, p. 8 p. 8
- 18. Myths about Conflict Myths about Conflict Christians dont have conflict with each Christians dont have conflict with each other. other. If you love someone, you wont have If you love someone, you wont have conflicts with each other. conflicts with each other. It is sinful to have conflicts. It is sinful to have conflicts. Good Christians never get angry because Good Christians never get angry because anger is sinful. anger is sinful.
- 20. Typical conflict areas in the Typical conflict areas in the home home Conflict over money Conflict over money Conflict over child Conflict over child training training Conflict over in-laws Conflict over in-laws
- 21. Typical conflict areas Typical conflict areas Conflict over goals Conflict over goals Conflict over unmet Conflict over unmet needs needs Conflict over sex Conflict over sex
- 22. Conflict situations Conflict situations Conflict over Conflict over expressing love expressing love Conflict over work Conflict over work Conflict over religion Conflict over religion
- 23. Conflict situations Conflict situations Conflict over time Conflict over time distribution distribution Conflict over friends Conflict over friends Conflict over loyalty Conflict over loyalty or fidelity or fidelity
- 24. Typical conflict areas in the Typical conflict areas in the church church Position Position Doctrines Doctrines Ways of doing things Ways of doing things Personality differences Personality differences Standards Standards Power struggles Power struggles Gender roles Gender roles
- 25. Why marriage produces conflicts Why marriage produces conflicts More time spent with each other More time spent with each other The depth of contact The depth of contact Unrealistic expectations Unrealistic expectations
- 26. Why marriage produces conflicts Why marriage produces conflicts Power struggles Power struggles Autonomy and interdependence Autonomy and interdependence
- 27. Four Destructive Patterns to Watch Four Destructive Patterns to Watch Escalation Escalation Invalidation Invalidation Withdrawal and Withdrawal and avoidance avoidance Negative interpretations Negative interpretations
- 28. Strategies to Strategies to avoid avoid in dealing with in dealing with conflict conflict Minimizing Minimizing Blaming Blaming Killing the mosquito with a sledge hammer Killing the mosquito with a sledge hammer Surrendering for peace Surrendering for peace Exploding and/or violence Exploding and/or violence
- 29. More strategies to avoid More strategies to avoid The pressure cooker approach The pressure cooker approach The cold war The cold war Revenge or retaliation Revenge or retaliation Murder Murder
- 30. Dirty fighting Dirty fighting Name calling Name calling Over-generalizing Over-generalizing Alluding to family patterns Alluding to family patterns Banking Banking Counter accusations Counter accusations
- 31. More dirty fighting More dirty fighting Verbal or physical abuse Verbal or physical abuse Angry outbursts Angry outbursts Temper tantrums Temper tantrums Running away Running away Accusing Accusing Mind reading Mind reading
- 32. Fair fighting Fair fighting Use positive names Use positive names Use I messages Use I messages Allude to past positives Allude to past positives Keep current Keep current Admit mistakes Admit mistakes
- 33. More fair fighting More fair fighting Hear the whole story before responding. Hear the whole story before responding. Repeat self-calming phrases. Repeat self-calming phrases. Look for the humor in the situation. Look for the humor in the situation. Make an appointment to deal with the Make an appointment to deal with the problem. problem. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
- 34. Knock out with love Knock out with love Love will win the day when argument, Love will win the day when argument, quarrelling and fighting are powerless. quarrelling and fighting are powerless. If I could speak in any language in If I could speak in any language in heaven or in earth but didnt love others, I heaven or in earth but didnt love others, I would be making meaningless noise, like a would be making meaningless noise, like a loud gong or a clanging symbol. Apostle loud gong or a clanging symbol. Apostle Paul, 1 Cor. 13: 1 (NLT) Paul, 1 Cor. 13: 1 (NLT)
- 35. Principles for effective conflict Principles for effective conflict resolution resolution Draw on your spiritual resources. Draw on your spiritual resources. Keep on the high road. Keep on the high road. Dont judge the other person too quickly or Dont judge the other person too quickly or too harshly. too harshly.
- 36. Principles for effective conflict Principles for effective conflict resolution resolution Be patient under pressure. Be patient under pressure. Make every effort to see the other Make every effort to see the other persons point of view. persons point of view.
- 37. More principles More principles Try to see the good in the problem. Try to see the good in the problem. Take the long view of the situation. Take the long view of the situation. Study and employ the best strategies of Study and employ the best strategies of successful people. successful people. Realize that all that annoys is but for a Realize that all that annoys is but for a moment. 2 Cor. 4:17 moment. 2 Cor. 4:17
- 38. More principles More principles Be Christian and professional in all your Be Christian and professional in all your dealings with others. dealings with others. Be mature even if others behave Be mature even if others behave childishly. childishly. Be supportive even when others let you Be supportive even when others let you down. Dont render evil for evil. down. Dont render evil for evil. Dont let others dictate your behavior. Dont let others dictate your behavior.
- 39. Still more principles Still more principles Communicate, communicate, Communicate, communicate, communicate. communicate. Try to maintain a sweet personality, even Try to maintain a sweet personality, even under pressure. under pressure. Do not be afraid to confront, but do it with Do not be afraid to confront, but do it with love. love. Be ready to admit your mistakes, and to Be ready to admit your mistakes, and to forgive the mistakes of others. forgive the mistakes of others.
- 40. Steps in settling conflicts Steps in settling conflicts 1. Admit that there is a conflict. 1. Admit that there is a conflict. 2. Identify who has the need. 2. Identify who has the need. 3. Brainstorm to find as many possible 3. Brainstorm to find as many possible solutions. solutions. 4. Discuss the possible solutions and pick 4. Discuss the possible solutions and pick the best one. the best one. 5. Follow through. 5. Follow through.
- 41. Steps continued Steps continued 6. Reassess to see if the solution is 6. Reassess to see if the solution is working. working. 7. If the solution is 7. If the solution is not not working, try working, try another solution. another solution.
- 42. One more thing One more thing Dont be afraid or reluctant to seek the Dont be afraid or reluctant to seek the help of your pastor or another trained help of your pastor or another trained professional, if your own attempts to settle professional, if your own attempts to settle the conflict prove futile. Eph. 4:11 - 13 the conflict prove futile. Eph. 4:11 - 13
- 43. CONCLUSION CONCLUSION The difference between The difference between successful marriages and successful marriages and failing ones is not the absence failing ones is not the absence of conflict, but the ability of the of conflict, but the ability of the two persons to say, Look, we two persons to say, Look, we have a problem, lets work it have a problem, lets work it out. out.
- 44. God is the Author of marriage and the God is the Author of marriage and the family; and He has a deep and abiding family; and He has a deep and abiding interest in its happiness and success. interest in its happiness and success.
- 47. Discussion Discussion What do you think are the major conflict What do you think are the major conflict areas in modern marriages in this country? areas in modern marriages in this country? What advice would you give a young What advice would you give a young couple for dealing with them? couple for dealing with them?