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Integrative Parenting: Strategies for Raising Children
Affected by Attachment Trauma
© 2014 Debra Wesselmann, Cathy
Schweitzer, & Stefanie Armstrong
www.atcnebraska.com
Do not reprint without permission of
the authors.
Class 5 (of 5)
Boundaries and Consequences
with Love and Attunement

This powerpoint is based on the following parent guide:
“Integrative
Parenting: Strategies
for Raising Children
Affected by
Attachment Trauma”
by Debra Wesselmann, Cathy
Schweitzer, & Stefanie
Armstrong
(W.W. Norton, New York,
2014)

Accompanying Treatment Manual for Therapists:
Integrative Team
Treatment for
Attachment Trauma
in Children: Family
Therapy and EMDR”
by Debra Wesselmann, Cathy
Schweitzer, & Stefanie
Armstrong (W.W. Norton, New
York, 2014)

At the End of this Class, You Will be Able
to:4
 Let go of “emotion-driven” responses to your child’s
behaviors.
 Use Integrative Parenting methods of managing your
child’s behaviors while calming your child’s brain
and enhancing the relationship.

Integrative Parenting = Boundaries With
Attunement
Image 1

Your Child is Trapped on a Merry-Go-Round
of Mistrust.
 The world is not a safe
place.
 I have to take care of
myself.
 It’s not safe to love.
 It’s not safe to be
vulnerable.
 It’s not safe to be close.
Image 2

At times, You Have Been on the
“Merry-Go-Round” of Mistrust with Your Child
• “My world is not safe.”
• “I am a terrible
parent/person.”
• “It’s not safe to love my
child.”
• “My child has ruined my
life.”
Image 3

The Traumatized Child Cannot Get off the
Merry-Go-Round Alone
With the right
strategies, you have
the power to stay off
the merry-go-round
and help calm and
integrate your child’s
brain. Your child
needs your help!
Image 4

“How Not” to Implement Behavior Management
Methods…
• Lecturing
• Yelling
• Sarcasm
• Escalating
punishments
• Spanking
Image 5

Emotion-driven Parenting Behaviors
Emotion-driven parent
behaviors promote the
child’s beliefs:
 “I am bad and you are
mean.”
 “I cannot trust you or
depend upon you.”
 “I must take care of
myself.”
Image 6

A Word About Spankings…
 Spankings are tempting because they stop the
child’s behaviors in the moment.
• However…
• Research shows that children who are spanked frequently
are more aggressive than other children.
• Spankings reinforce “I’m bad” and “You are mean” for the
child affected by attachment trauma.
• Spankings will very likely trigger past trauma.
• Spankings trigger hyperarousal.

Emotion-Driven Parenting Behaviors Cause
Hyperarousal in Children
 Outside of the window
of tolerance, children
cannot think, learn, or
remember anything
that their parents have
said.
12
Image 7

The How:
Managing Behaviors Day-to-Day
 Stay emotionally
attuned. (“I know it’s
hard to be a kid.” “I can
understand that those
big feelings must be hard
for you to manage.”)
 Stay calm. (Soft voice
tone, calm face—keep
breathing)
Image 8

The How:
As soon as you notice signs the child is getting
worked up, reach out and connect. (A touch, a bear
hug, a cuddle, a playful wrestle)
Image 9

The How:
 Structured, predictable, safe environment. (Clear
rules, no surprises, a calm home free of other
conflict)
 No spanking.
 “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” (Let go--ignore the
little things.)

The How:
16
 Point out when a small rule has been forgotten. Use
a calm voice. (“Woops – I notice shoes in the living
room. Help those shoes find their place in the closet,
please!”)
 No need to consequence every little thing.

BEHAVIOR
MANAGEMENT
STRATEGIES THAT HELP
– BUT DON’T HURT
17
The “What”

An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure
 Prepare and reassure your child before going to
an unfamiliar, stimulating, or anxiety-producing
place. Have a calming down plan.
 Pre-teach and practice skills for behaving in a
restaurant or other public gatherings prior to the
trip.

Teach After the Fact
 When your child is calm, use a matter-of-fact voice
and start a discussion with, “I’ll bet you didn’t know
that…” and explain why the behavior was not OK.
19
Image 10

Put on Your “Detective’s Hat”
20
When your child is calm,
use a matter-of-fact voice
and start a discussion
with, “Let’s see if we can
figure out what we were
both thinking and feeling
a little while ago and
make a plan so we can
prevent the problems
next time.”
Image 11

“Connect” then “Redirect”
(Reference: Siegel and Bryson, 2011.“The Whole-Brain Child”)
In general, to create an
integrated brain,
“connect” with the child,
“right brain to right
brain” before redirecting
“left brain to left brain.”
21
Image 12

“Connect” then “Redirect”
(Reference: Siegel and Bryson, 2011. “The Whole-Brain Child”)
Get down on the child’s level
Give a hug or touch in some
way
Pleasant voice and face
Verbal reassurance or
expression of love
22
Image 13

Effective Consequences
 Are natural or logical.
 Are mild and short-term.
 Are not shaming.
 Are appropriate to the child’s
developmental age.
 Are delivered with empathy.

Consequences Delivered With Empathy…
(Reference: Cline & Fay, “Parenting With Love and Logic.”)
 Will help your child feel
connected to you.
 Will help your child become
regulated.
 Will help your child be in
touch with remorse and
learn from his mistake.
Image 14

Empathic Sentence Starters
 “I can see this is hard for you…”
 “I know you will make a better choice next time…”
 “Sometimes it’s hard to be little…”
 “You know we all make mistakes…”

An Effective Reward System
 Target a specific
behavior or time
period.
 Create a visual aid so
the child can see the
progress.
Image 15

An Effective Reward System
 Keep it short and simple!
 Keep it achievable!
 Positive behaviors do not
have to be sequential in
order to earn a reward!
Image 16

Choices Avoid Power Struggles
Both choices should be acceptable to you. None
should be punitive.
Image 17

Choices Avoid Power Struggles
 Choices help avoid power struggles, give children a
feeling of significance, and keep the relationship
positive.
 Choices develop thinking skills.

Examples of Choices
• “This room needs to be picked up by this weekend.
Would you rather do it Thursday or Friday?”
• “Would you rather learn the rules by playing the
game with us or by watching us play? Let me know
what you think.”
• “Would you rather take out the trash after school or
before dinner? You pick.”

Sentence Starters for Choices
(Reference: Cline & Fay, “Parenting With Love & Logic”)
• “You’re welcome to_______or_______.”
• “Feel free to ___________or_________.”
• “Would you rather _______or_________?”
• “What would be best for you - _________
• or _________?”

The Collaborative Problem-Solving Method
(Reference: “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene.)
1. “I notice……What’s up?”
2. Repeat exactly what the
child responds.
3. “My concern is…”
4. “How can we solve this
problem?”
Image 18

“Integrative Parenting” Probably Will Not Look Like:
 The way you were raised.
 The way you have raised non-traumatized children in your
home.
Image 19

A Comparison
Emotion-Driven
Parenting
Integrative Parenting
 Consequences/
punishments
 Spankings
 Lectures
 Raised voice
 Orders
 Mindful Awareness
 Pre-teaching
 Empathy and attunement
 Focus on calming the child’s
brain
 Talking it through
 Connecting
 Minimal use of consequences
 Choices

Emotion-Driven Parenting: Scolding and punishments are
the foundation, reducing the experience of attunement.
Attunement
Lecturing Scolding
Punishing
Image 20

Integrative Parenting:
Attunement and Empathy are the Foundation
Consequences
Calming & Pre-teaching
Attunement Empathy
Image 21

In Summary...
1. Stay mindful. Use an easy-going voice tone.
2. Look beyond the behaviors. Attune to the feelings and beliefs driving
the behaviors.
3. Calm your child’s dysregulated brain with your calm brain.
4. Teach and pre-teach.
5. If necessary, give consequences -- but always with empathy.
6. Use simple reward systems.
7. Use “collaborative problem-solving.”
8. Give choices.

Take it One Day at a Time.
 Don’t expect any one behavioral technique to work
every time.
 You will not undo all their years of hurt in a short
time.
 Keep trying -- don’t give up!

The Time and Energy You Invest Now Will Lead
to a Happier Home for Future Years.
Image 22

Works Cited
 Cline, F. & Fay, J. (2006). Parenting teens with love and
logic: Preparing adolescents for responsible adulthood.
Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress.
 Greene, R. W. (2010). The explosive child: a new approach
for understanding and parenting easily frustrated,
chronically inflexible children. New York, NY:
HarperCollins.
 Siegel, D. J. & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child:
12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s
developing mind. New York, NY: Bantam Books.
41

Works Cited
 Image 1 Source: By Derek Harper 7 June 2009
 http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Box_hedges,_Greenway_-_geograph.org.uk_-
_1350772.jpg
 Rights: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en
 Image 2 Source: by authors
 Rights: authors
 Rights: authors
 Rights: authors
 Image 5 Source: Dollar Photo Club
 Rights: Purchased
 Image 7 Source: Angry Young Son by Abhisek Sarda February 3, 2010
 https://www.flickr.com/photos/reallynuts/4372508744/
 Rights: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/
42

Works Cited
 Rights: authors
 Image 11 Source: http://pixabay.com/en/magnifier-glass-office-magnifying-23612/
 Rights: Public Domain
 Image 15 Source: Clip Art
43

Works Cited
 Image 16 Source: http://blog.jobsgopublic.com/jobseekers-new-years-resolutions-part-
1/
 Image 17 Source: By Nicholas Mutton 16 September 2007
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:A_fork_in_the_road_-_geograph.org.uk_-_558151.jpg
 Rights: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/deed.en
 Rights: authors
 Rights: authors
44

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Class 5 Integrative Parenting for Attachment Trauma

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