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RAISING SOCIALLY
& EMOTIONALLY
INTELLIGENT CHILDREN
Rabbi Binyamin Goldman, PsyD, CSP

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
“EQ”

THE 5 EQ COMPETENCIES
1. Self-Awareness
2. Social Awareness
3. Self-Management
4. Relationship Skills
5. Responsible Decision Making

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COMPETENCIES

SELF-AWARENESS
ACROSS
DEVELOPMENT
Elementary Grades:
Should be able to
recognize and
accurately label
simple emotions
such as sadness,
anger, and
happiness

Middle School:
Should be able to
analyze factors that
trigger their stress
? Accurately assessing one?s own reactions.

thoughts, feelings, interests, values, High School:
Are expected to
and strengths analyze how various
expressions of
? Recognizing how they influence emotion affect other
people.
choices and actions
? Maintaining a well-grounded sense of
self-confidence

SOCIAL AWARENESS
ACROSS
DEVELOPMENT
Elementary Grades:
? Taking others? perspective and empathizing Should be able to
with them identify verbal,
physical, and
? Recognizing and appreciating individual situational cues
indicating how
and group similarities and differences others feel.

? Recognizing and using family, school, and
Middle School:
community resources
Should be able to
predict others?
feelings and
perspectives in
various situations.

High School:
Should be able to
evaluate their ability
to empathize with
others.

SELF-MANAGEMENT
ACROSS
DEVELOPMENT
Elementary Grades:
Children are expected
to describe the steps
of setting and working
toward goals.

Middle School:
They should be able to
set and make a plan to
achieve a short-term
personal or academic
goal.
? Regulating one?s emotions to handle
stress, control impulses, and High School:
persevere in overcoming obstacles Should be able to
identify strategies to
make use of available
? Setting and monitoring progress school and community
resources and
toward personal, academic and overcome obstacles in
achieving a long-term
religious goals goal.

? Expressing emotions appropriately

RELATIONSHIP SKILLS
ACROSS
DEVELOPMENT
Elementary Grades:
Should have an
ability to describe
approaches to
making and keeping
friends.

Middle School:
Are expected to
demonstrate co-
operation and team-
work to promote
group goals.
? Establishing and maintaining healthy and
rewarding relationships based on High School:
Are expected to
cooperation evaluate uses of
communication skills
? Resisting inappropriate social pressure; with peers, teachers,
and family members.
preventing, managing, and resolving
interpersonal conflict
? Seeking help when needed

RESPONSIBLE DECISION-MAKING
? Making decisions based on consideration ACROSS
DEVELOPMENT
of:
Elementary Grades:
? Ethical or halachic standards
Should be able to
? Safety concerns identify a range of
decisions they make
? Appropriate social norms at home and school.

? Respect for others, and Middle School:
? Likely consequences of various actions Should be able to
evaluate strategies for
resisting peer pressure
? Applying decision-making skills to social to engage in unsafe or
and academic situations unethical activities.

? Contributing to the High School:
well-being of one?s Should be able to
family, school and analyze how their
current decision-
community making affects their
yeshiva, seminary, or
college and career
prospects

FAMILY LIFE
Our first school for emotional learning

FAMILY LIFE
? Through family life, we learn how to:
? Feel about
ourselves and how
others will react to
our feelings
? Think about these
feelings and what
choices we have in
reacting
? Read and express
hopes and fears

FAMILY LIFE

? This learning takes place:
? In what parents say and do
? In how adults treat each other

? When parents are emotionally competent in their
own relationships, they are more capable of
helping their children work through their emotional
challenges.

EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT PARENTING
How to be an “Emotion Coach”

ASSESSING YOUR PARENTING STYLE

THE DISMISSIVE PARENT
What they aren’t
? Does NOT:
? Problem-solve with the child; believes that the passage
of time will resolve most problems
? Feel certain about what to do with the child?s emotions
? Show much interest in what the child is trying to
communicate
? Like focusing on negative emotions; believes that it will
“just make things worse”
? Likely have great awareness of emotions in self and
others
? Focus much on the meaning of the emotion; more
interested in how to get over them
? Feel that children?s feelings count; believes that they are
irrational

What they are
? Disengages from or ignores ? Feels uncomfortable, fearful,
the child?s feelings; treats anxious, annoyed, hurt or
them as unimportant, trivial overwhelmed by the child?s
? Wants the child?s negative emotions; sees them as
emotions to disappear demands to fix things
quickly ? Believes that focusing on

? Believes negative emotions negative emotions will “just
are harmful or toxic make things worse”
? Minimizes the child?s ? Believes negative emotions

feelings, downplaying the mean the child is not well-
events that led to the adjusted, that they reflect
emotion; may ridicule or badly on their parents
make light of a child?s ? Characteristically uses
emotions distraction to shut down
? Fears being out-of-control child?s emotions

Effects of this style on children
? They learn that their feelings are wrong,
inappropriate, not valid.
? They may learn that there is something
inherently wrong with them because of the way
they feel.
? They may have difficulty regulating their own
emotions

Jessica?s mother

JESSICA DUBROFF
did not let her use
negative words like
“scared,” “fear,”
and “the sadness.”

She told reporters,
“Children are
fearless. That?s
their natural state
until adults
ingrained fear in
them.”

After Jessica?s
crash, her mother
told the press, “I
know what people
want. Cheers. But I
will not do that.
Emotion is
unnatural. There is
something
untruthful about it.”

THE DISAPPROVING PARENT
What they are
? Displays many of the Dismissing ? Believes expression of negative
Parent?s behaviors, but in a emotions should be time-limited
more negative way
? Believes negative emotions
? Judges and criticizes the child?s reflect bad character traits and
emotional expression need to be controlled
? Is over-aware of the need to set ? Believes the child uses negative
limits on their children emotions to manipulate; this
belief results in power struggles
? Emphasizes conformity to good
standards of behavior; Is ? Believes emotions make people
concerned with the child?s week; children must be
obedience to authority emotionally tough for survival
? Reprimands, disciplines, or ? Believes negative emotions are
punish the child for emotional unproductive, a waste of time
expression, whether the child is
misbehaving or not

THE DISAPPROVING PARENT
? Same as the Dismissing style

THE LAISSEZ-FAIRE PARENT
What they aren’t
? Does NOT:
? Offer much guidance on behavior
? Teach the child about emotions
? Set limits; is permissive
? Help children solve problems
? Teach problem-solving methods to the child

What they are
? Freely accepts all emotional expression from the
child
? Offers comfort to the child experiencing negative
feelings
? Believes there is little you can do about negative
emotions other than ride them out
? Believes that managing negative emotions is a
matter of “hydraulics”; release the emotion and the
work is done

? They don?t want to regulate their emotions
? They have trouble concentrating, forming
friendships, and getting along with other
children

THE EMOTION COACH
What they aren’t
? Is NOT:
? Confused or anxious about the child?s emotional
expression; knows what needs to be done

? Does NOT:
? Poke fun at or make light of the child?s negative
feelings
? Say how one should feel
? Feel he or she has to fix every problem for the
child

THE EMOTION COACH
What They Are
? Values the child?s negative emotions as an
opportunity for intimacy
? Can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or
fearful child; does not become impatient with the
emotion
? Is aware of and values his or her own emotions

? Sees the world of negative emotions as an
important arena for parenting
? Is sensitive to the child?s emotional states, even
when they are subtle
? Respects the child?s emotions

THE BALANCE
' '

) :(

THE EMOTION COACH
What They Are
? Uses emotional moments as a time to:
? Listen to the child
? Empathize with soothing words and affection
? Help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling
? Offer guidance on regulating emotions
? Set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions
? Teach problem-solving skills

THE EMOTION COACH
? They learn to
? Trust their feelings
? Regulate their own emotions
? Solve problems
? Theyhave high self-esteem, learn well, get
along well with others

Steps parents

5 KEY STEPS TO EMOTION COACHING
commonly use to
1. Being aware of the build empathy into
child?s emotion relationships with
their children,
enhancing the
children’s
emotional
2. Recognizing the intelligence
emotion as an opportunity
for intimacy and teaching

3. Listening empathically
and validating the child?s
feelings

4. Helping the child
verbally label emotions

5. Setting limits while
helping the child problem-
solve

SCENARIO #1
? Eight-year-old Dovid comes in from the yard, looking dejected
because the kids next door have refused to play with him. His
father, Moishe, looks up from his sefer just long enough to
say:

Not again! Look, Dovid, you?re a
big kid now, not a baby. Don?t get
upset every time somebody gives
you the cold shoulder. Just forget
about it. Call one of your friends
from school. Chazeryour
Chumash, play on the computer.

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SCENARIO #1

Tatty?s right. I?m acting like a baby.
That?s why the guys next door
don?t want to play with me. I
wonder what?s wrong with me. Why
can?t I just forget it like Tatty says?
I?m such a wimp! Nobody wants to
be my friend.

SCENARIO #2
? Moishe puts down the sefer, looks at Dovid, and
says:

You look kind of sad,
Dovid.
Tell me what?s going
on.

SCENARIO #2
? If Moishe listens—really listens with an open
heart—perhaps Dovid will come up with a different
assessment of himself. The conversation might
continue like this:

SCENARIO #2
Dovid: “Baruch and Shlomo won?t let me play basketball with
them.”
Moishie: “I?ll bet that hurt your feelings.”
Dovid: “Yeah it did. It made me mad, too.”
Moishie: “I can see that.”
Dovid: “There?s no reason why I can?t shoot baskets with
them.”
Moishe: “Did you talk to them about it?”
Dovid: “Nah, I don’t want to.”
Moishe: “What do you want to do?”
Dovid: “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just blow it off.”
Moishe: “You think that’s a better idea?”
Dovid: “Yeah, ?cuz they?ll probably change their minds
tomorrow. I think I?ll call one of my friends from school
or do my chazara. Maybe I?ll play on the computer.”

SCAFFOLDING
? SCENE:
Mother finds her young daughter standing in
front of a dog, screaming in fright
(The daughter is in no physical danger)

How should Mom handle this?
What should she say/do?

PRACTICE EXAMPLE
Response #1 Response #2

? (Hugging the child) ? “Now, now. That was
“Shhh… Mommy?s really scary wasn?t it? I
here, it?s OK. know. It will be OK
(Shoos the dog away) now. Mommy?s got you.
There, there. Let?s tell
that big doggie to go
away. OK? Go away
big doggie!” All the
while hugging and
soothing the child.

“Now, now. That The mother is

SCAFFOLDING
? using the
was really scary emotion as
anopportunity
wasn?t it? I know. for intimacy
and teaching
? It will be OK now.
In this scenario,
Mommy?s got you. she is
scaffoldingself-
There, there. control by
modeling it first
? Let?s tell that big and then inviting
the daughter to
doggie to go away. join in problem-
OK? solving

? Go away big As the girl gets
older, the mother
doggie!” can strip the
scaffolding and
? All the while simply prompt
the child (“What
hugging and can you do to
make the big
soothing the child. doggie go
away?”) rather
than providing
the solutions

DON’T BE TOO NEGATIVE
? Excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or
mocking your child are destructive to parent-child
communication and to children?s self-esteem
? Examples:
? The “helicopter mom”
? Labeling

? Making the child the butt of jokes for other adults for

USE “SCAFFOLDING” AND PRAISE
? “Scaffolding” components:
? Give children just enough information to get started,
talking in a slow, calm manner
? Wait for the child to do something right and offer specific
praise for their action.
? Add just a little bit more instruction and repeat.

ADDITIONAL EMOTION COACHING
STRATEGIES

ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES
? Ignore your “parental agenda”
? Create a mental map of your child?s daily
life
? Avoid “siding with the enemy”
? Think about your child?s situation in terms
of similar adult situations
? Don?t try to impose your solutions on your
child?s problems
? Empower your child by giving choices,
respecting wishes

ADDITIONAL STRATEGIES (continued)
? Share in your child?s dreams and fantasies
? Be honest with your child

? Use books and stories to build your child?s
emotional vocabulary
? Be patient with the process

? Understand your base of power as a parent

? Believe in the positive nature of human
development

WHEN NOT TO BE AN EMOTION COACH

WHEN NOT TO BE AN EMOTION COACH
? When you?re pressed for time
? When you have an audience

? When you are too upset or too tired for
coaching to be productive
? When you need to address serious
misbehavior
? When your child is “faking” an emotion to
manipulate you

SAMPLE EXERCISE
? A child disappears in a large department store and
the parents are very worried about the child. After a
while, a clearly upset child is found by a store
employee, who helps the child find the parent.
? Parent’s agenda:
? “You stupid child! I am so mad at you, I am never taking new
shopping again.”
? Child’s feeling:
? Fear
? Right response:
? “you must have been so scared. I was scared, too. Come here
and let me hold you for a while. Then let?s talk over what
happened.”

EXERCISE #1
? A child comes home from school and says, “ I?m
never going back to school again! The teacher
yelled at me in front of my friends!”
? Wrong response:
? “What did you do to make a teacher yell at you?”

? Parent’s agenda:

? Child’s feeling:

? Right response:

EXERCISE #2
? In the bathtub, your child says, “I hate my brother. I
wish he would be dead.”
? Wrong response:
? “That?s a terrible thing to say. We don?t talk that way in his
house. You don?t hate your brother. You love your brother. I
never want to hear you say that again!”

? Parent’s agenda?

? Child’s feeling?

? Right response?

EXERCISE #3
? Your child?s friend is visiting. Your child says to the
friend, “I don?t want to share this toy with you. You
can?t play with it!”
? Wrong response:
? “What bad middos! You are selfish child. You have to learn to
share!”

? Parent’s agenda?

? Child’s feeling?

? Right response?

SELECTED REFERENCES
? Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart
of Parenting, by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.
? Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More
Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman
? Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon

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