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Death in the schoolyard
- 1. Death in the schoolyard the lethal consequences of bullying By Janine Shamos It is known that depression is the cause of most teen suicide but what causes depression in teens? Psychologists believe that some people have a genetic tendency towards depression while others develop depression due to external environmental factors. Bullying is one of these factors. And its on the increase. More frightening is we tell our children to expect it and accept it because boys will be boys. Imagine sitting at work, minding your own business and suddenly being hit over the head. Imagine sitting on your lunch hour, eating your lunch quietly without warning you are knocked from your chair, your lunch splatters as your head hits the ground, you feel blow after blow raining down on your head, your face, your body. Imagine being told if you say anything or complain you will be killed Hard to imagine isnt it yet this is the reality for many of our children everyday at school. Bullying is abusive behaviour by one or more learners against a victim. It can be a direct physical attack like teasing, taunting, hitting, punching and stealing or it can be more subtle and malicious through gossiping, spreading rumours and intentional exclusion. The result is the victim becomes socially rejected and isolated. Physical or psychological intimidation creates an ongoing pattern of harassment and abuse - the vicious cycle of bullying. Learners typically dont tell adults about being bullied as they feel that intervention is infrequent and inconsistent and will only make matters worse. Also many children feel that teachers and parents see bullying as a harmless rite of passage that is best ignored, as it will pass naturally. This is not so. It takes a special type of person to intentionally cause pain to others. Bullying is not a problem that sorts itself out naturally, says the South African Depression and Anxiety Group. The line between boys being boys gets blurred when a child is intentionally targeted, when a playground slap turns to a punch, says Helen Rozkydal, a primary school educator and counsellor. The effects of bullying can last a lifetime and cause a great deal of pain and misery. Children and teens who are bullied feel anxious, tense and afraid. It affects their concentration at school and results in a drop in school performance. Bullying affects the victims self-esteem and feelings of self-worth, says Johannesburg-based psychologist Dr Colinda Linde, Teens may start to withdraw socially and become depressed. Some may take weapons to school for protection or consider suicide as the only escape. Research has shown that even years after being bullied,
- 2. past victims have higher levels of depression and poorer self-esteem that other adults. Suicide caused by the effects of bullying has become such a problem in Europe and the United States that there is now a word for it bullycide. The reality is that others took Brandons life long before he ended his pain, says Cathy whose son Brandon committed suicide after being repeatedly bullied, Brandon fought a valiant battle, enduring all these things - until he lost all hope. A mother whose 16- year-old son committed suicide said, If only he could have spoken to me, to a teacher, someone Your pain might be over but ours will haunt us forever. We could have helped we would have helped. Teen suicide is on the increase in South Africa with suicide accounting for 9% of all teen deaths. We know that children and teens are reluctant to approach adults for help so its up to teachers and parents to speak to them first. Bullying is a covert underground activity in a kids-only world. All too often adults are not aware of what is happening under their very noses. Parents and teachers need to ask their children how they are treated by peers and spread the word that bullying is bad for bullies, says SADAGs Shamos. Dont expect kids to work it out for themselves and never tell a victim to fight back because they really usually are weaker and smaller. The victims are generally quieter than other children and tend to be socially incompetent loners. The victims avoid conflict at all costs and have no practice in dealing with conflict so they panic, says Shamos. Victims are submissive even before they are attacked, which may increase their chances of victimization. While no-one likes a bully, no- one likes a victim either. Victims make other children uncomfortable and this further isolates them amongst their peers. This social isolation may be more damaging that the physical bullying and these children tend to become depressed, anxious and avoidant. Most damaging is the fact that these whipping boys internalize the negative views other children have of them. Rozkydal observes that these children usually blame themselves for the bullying. Parents may observe changes in their children like loss of appetite, changes in sleeping habits, crying, stomachaches and not wanting to go to school. These symptoms could be cause for concern in any child and parents should contact the South African Depression and Anxiety Group on (011) 262 6396. SADAG, through its Teen Suicide Prevention Programme Suicide Shouldnt be a Secret, has seen the effects of bullying in both victims and perpetrators. There are huge costs for both sides, says Janine Shamos of SADAG, Kids who are aggressive in childhood carry that aggression into adulthood. SADAG has seen the proof, time and time again, that bullies dont just harm others, they harm themselves.
- 3. The only difference between a terrorist and a bully is in the organised planning or cause of the activity, and the scale of the terror, says Cathy. To a bullied child, the terms are interchangeable. Bullying is often a sign that these children are heading for serious trouble and are at risk for violence and law breaking. Bullies are more likely to engage in delinquent behaviour like vandalism, shoplifting and drug use into adulthood and are four times more likely to be convicted of crimes by the age of 24. 60% of bullies have at least one criminal conviction. Bullies get what they want but not what they need. Bullies are angry and have a need to be powerful and in control. Controlling others makes them feel better about themselves, says Shamos, They need to be shown constructive ways to deal with their frustration. According to Bully Online, an anti-bullying site in the United Kingdom, the purpose of bullying is to hide inadequacy and childhood bullied often grow into adult bullies who are unable to accept responsibility for their behaviour. Many schools have anti-bullying policies in place find out about them and act on them good intentions are not enough. SADAG also offers workshops to educators, parents and learners about bullying and what can be done. It takes a lot for a child to admit to being bullied so take allegations seriously. Children who are bullied, as well as the bullies themselves, experience real suffering that can interfere with their social and emotional development as well as their school performance, says Dr Linde, Its time for bullying to be brought into the light. Too many children have been destroyed by bullying. In the final words of one 13-year-old boy who hanged himself due to incessant bullying: Monday: my money was taken; Tuesday: names called; Wednesday: my uniform ripped; Thursday: my body pouring with blood; Friday: its ended; Saturday: freedom. He was dead on Sunday. The bully: Refusal (not inability) to think rationally about themselves and others Small scale terrorist Behaviour mostly during school time Enjoys enforcing power over others Enjoys causing fear Over-bearing person who tyrannises the non-violent and physically weak Rules by intimidation and terror Threatens, or acts, violence Calls assault a fight, disagreement, justice Name-calling, teasing, racial remarks Spreading rumours Not letting child join in activities Hitting, punching, tripping, kicking Taking or ruining their belongings Nasty looks, intimidating them
- 4. What parents can do: Be open to the possibility that your child may be being bullied If you suspect something may be wrong - ask Listen to your child Take him/her seriously Never blame the child it is not their fault Reassure them they were right in telling you Dont promise to keep it a secret Discuss practical ways to solve the problem Teach self-confidence, assertiveness and social skills Enrol kids in extra mural activities to help them widen their social circle Encourage family discussion rather than just watching tv Never expect kids to work it out on their own Talk to teachers and other parents if theres one bullied kid, there will be others.