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- 1. I dont want to be anything other than what Ive been trying to be lately All I have to doIs think of me and I have peace of mindIm tired of look- ing round roomsWondering what Ive got to do or who Im supposed to be I dont want to be anything otherthan me I dont want to be anything other than what Ivebeen trying to be latelyall I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind Im tired of looking round rooms wondering what Ive got to do Or who Im supposed to be I dont want to be any- thing other than me I dont want to be Anything other than what Ive been trying to be lately all I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind Im tired of looking round roomsWondering what Ive got to doOr who Im supposed to be I dont want to be anything other than me I dont want to beanything oth- er than what Ive been trying to be lately All I have to do is think ofme and I have peace of mindIm tired of looking round I dont want to be anything other than what Ive been trying to be lately All I have to doIs think of me and I have peace of mindIm tired of look- ing round roomsWondering what Ive got to do or who Im supposed to be I dont want to be anything otherthan me I dont want to be anything other than what Ivebeen trying to be latelyall I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind Im tired of looking round rooms wondering what Ive got to do Or who Im supposed to be I dont want to be any- thing other than me I dont want to be Anything other than what Ive been trying to be lately all I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind Im tired of looking round roomsWondering what Ive got to doOr who Im supposed to be I dont want to be anything other than me I dont want to beanything oth- er than what Ive been trying to be lately All I have to do Is think of me and I have peace of mindIm tired of looking round the hadaprojectfor everyone whose life is a work in progress Next on theGhadaproject E ver look in the mirror and think, Who am I? well I do, or at least I did. This is not the typical essay, as I am not the typical girl. Or does saying that Im different imply that Im just like everybody else? So many questions. Who am I? What am I doing here? What does the future hold for me? Girl, you need a chill pill. Or boy, no discrimination intended. Boys have identity crises too. Okay yes, my point, and I do have one, is simple. People need to stop asking. Stop asking the mir- ror who you are, only evil queens get away with that. Get up, and discover who you are. I did, and this is my story. Y ou read books,you watch movies, you witness people growing up, and it looks easy, it looks like its all rainbows and butterflies. But is it? Is it really? Its not. Its really not. Theres nothing rainbow-y and butterfly-y about this whole growing up and finding yourself. Trust me, Ive done it. The Merriam Webster Online dictionary define coming of age as the attainment of prominent, respectability, recognition or maturity. The term was first used in 1916, a coming of age story, a story about a young girl growing up in the face of the adversity she has faced all her life. A young girl becoming a lady in the eyes of not only the world, but in her own eyes. This is my coming of age story, the story of how I grew up. On November 9th 1994, Ezmiralda Kabani gave birth to her second child. She had given birth to a girl, again. This time the baby was not crying. The baby was smiling. Who gives birth to a smiling baby? Anyways they had named her Noor, also known as light. Apparently she lit up the birthing suite with her smile, and also she was really white. For four days, Ezmiraldas second daughter was named Noor. On the night of the fourth day, Ezmiraldas husbands mom- who was also her aunt- walked into the hos- pital room and said Ezmiralda, I cant say I accept the fact your first daughter is named after me but your second isnt named after your mom. About 10 minutes later a new birth certificate was signed. Ghada Emad Mohammed Adham Elhaffar was my new name. Growing up I was always confused. Why am I in Bahrain if Im Lebanese? Why is my father a teacher? Why dont I have any brothers? Why do I take the bus to school every day? As if I questioning myself wasnt bad enough, everyone around me questioned me too. Whether it was students, neighbors or occasionally even my teach- ers, I was always defending my right to be a Lebanese girl at a private Bahraini school. I was always defending the right to be me. And that confused me. I blame my mother, and my grandmother. Confusing me since day four. T o tell you that I have a plan for the rest of my life would be a lie. I have no idea what I will do after graduation, and the scary thing is that I dont know what I want to do. But I have faith, I have faith that the paint will drip in the right place and I have faith that when the apaint settles and dries, I will have a pretty life . I have faith that one day, life will be 100% complete.
- 2. I dont want to be anything other than what Ive been trying to be lately All I have to doIs think of me and I have peace of mindIm tired of look- ing round roomsWondering what Ive got to do or who Im supposed to be I dont want to be anything otherthan me I dont want to be anything other than what Ivebeen trying to be latelyall I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind Im tired of looking round rooms wondering what Ive got to do Or who Im supposed to be I dont want to be any- I dont want to be anything other than what Ive been trying to be lately All I have to doIs think of me and I have peace of mindIm tired of look- ing round roomsWondering what Ive got to do or who Im supposed to be I dont want to be anything otherthan me I dont want to be anything other than what Ivebeen trying to be latelyall I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind Im tired of looking round rooms wondering what Ive got to do Or who Im supposed Previously on theGhadaproject This past year I lost myself. I was a sophomore in college, half way done with the beginning of my life. It was the beginning of the end. Or was it the end of the beginning? It was something. It was comings and it was coming fast.And it was scary. Something was coming fast. It was the future. It was my future and it was uncertain-uncertain and scary. I was alone and I was lost. I sat on my bed thinking about my future. I had graduated school, wore the gown with IBO stitched on the satchel, received my diploma and threw my cap in the air-and I have the pictures to prove it. I had started university, and two years in I didnt know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life .I was sitting on my bed thinking about my future, and suddenly, my bed broke. The universe was tell- ing me STOP THINKING SO MUCH! so I did. This was the start of the rest of my life. I was lost, I really was. Nowhere to go nothing to do, but i had faith- faith that one day I would find myself. Nine months and twenty one days later, I did. This Episode on theGhadaproject And Hansel said to Gretel: let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we can find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruelest of things whoknowswhattruehappiness?Nottheconventional wordbutthenakedterror.Tothelonelyhemselvesitwears amask.Themostmiserableoutcasthugssomememoryof someillusionofhappiness. When I walk into the room, I wonder what other people see me as. Am I the Arab? Am I the international girl? The quiet girl who sits in the front of the class but never answers any questions? Am I the only sorority girl who doesnt have blonde hair and blue eyes? Am I the girl with the weird fashion sense? The girl who laughs really loud? The girl who doesnt talk to anyone? Again with the questions. So many questions, always so many questions Have you ever stood in a crowded room where no- body looks like you? yes, yes I have. Since I left the reservation, al- most every room I enter is filled with people that do not look like me .Me too! Although I have never left a reservation, I have left my country. I was thirty days old when I first landed on Bahraini soil, and yes may- be Bahrain and Lebanon arent that different, but they are different. My ancestors are a mix of true Arabs and Europeans, mostly Frenchmen. Bahraini ancestors are mostly Persian with a few Africans. We are alike but we are also different-and they never let me forget it.On the first day of my fourth grade year, I walked into Mrs. Ghinas mathematics class and as usual I sat in the back of the class with the same friends I had since kindergarten. I was surrounded by the same students , the same lame 1+1=window poster , the same clean blackboard which was in fact green and the same three words written on the white board welcome back students!. T oday was different, today there was an extra leather jacket, today there was an unfamiliar face, today I had to not only reintroduce myself but today I also had to defend my right to sit in a class filled with Bahraini students. I was the quite girl who sat in the back of the class, occasionally saying a word or two to the people Ive known for the past five or six years. Nobody understood why there was an off looking girl with a funny accent in their class. I had gone through this in kindergarten and then again in first grade and by the time I had entered the second grade I had been identifies as the Lebanese girl. It was okay, I didnt mind. Thats not true, I did mind but I was glad they had stopped asking who I was, where I was from and most importantly what I was doing in their school. He heard my name Ghada Elhaffar and suddenly he was practically rolling on the floor laughing his behind off. Are you a digger? he asked. I was hoping he wouldnt notice. Where are you from him asked? I ignored but someone felt the need to answer him. He had dropped it until I answered a ques- tion no one else knew the answer to. shut up, he said shut up before I send you back to your country. I looked at my pa- per. That was it. Like Alexie, I was in a class filled with Bah- rainis. I felt alone and the funny thing is, I actually was. I did it all. I did everything a typical teenage girl would do. I was a tomb-boy and I was an extra girly girl. I collected BratZ dolls and I owned roller blades. I played sports; I played football and volleyball, basketball and I even played bowling. I took art classes because it was the cool thing to do, except I liked it. I loved it. I loved art because art made me happy. It was strange, this feeling of happi- ness. True happiness, smiling with my liver and all that. I was twelve and I had decided this is something I want to do for the rest of my life. Suddenly my life changed because now I wasnt the typical teenage girl. Now I was an artist, and I was happy. I was a happy artist and that was my first mistake.