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The Woman that I am TODAY
- 1. The Woman that I am TODAY The Woman that I want to BECOME We will figure it out when the time comes Growing up in strict Seventh Day Adventist home, I had parents that disciplined and mold me into a strong woman that I am today. My family had a dairy farm, so I grew up in the country and we had chores instead of running around getting into trouble. I remember when I was younger and in my teen years, my father always made me help others out no matter where we went. He said someday, you will understand and you will thank me. I was allowed to go to church socials, family reunions and had a very limited social life. During church socials or family reunions, I was always called away to help the host in the kitchen or to help tidy the place up. No matter how badly I wanted to tell my father NO, I knew better than to be disrespectful and did what I was asked. Of course they were thankful and I helped out without hesitation. It was a sheltered lifestyle and I was not as exposed to what the other teenagers were doing. It was not until my college years that I began drinking, socializing and wanting to be accepted. True, I was innocent and drawn into the wrong crowds and surrounded by individuals who also struggled with similar issues. I have had moments of doubt that I questioned the direction of my life. My life didnt turn out as planned. I was attending community college when I met the father of my 4 kids, we both dropped out because I found out I was pregnant with my now 16 year old. He even threatened me back then that if I didnt move with him, he would take the baby away from me. Now, I have always been a people pleaser; however, I was afraid of saying NO and was scared to stand up for myself. Getting bullied while attending high school didnt help with my low self- esteem; therefore, I gave in to peer -pressure to make friends. This resulted in making poor decisions when it came to my marriage (divorced now) and relationships. They wanted control by making threats and manipulating others to get what they wanted. I eventually lowered my standards as a woman because I was desperate to be accepted. I drank and started using street drugs that were offered to ease the peer pressure. The mental and verbal abuse that followed eventually opened my eyes, this was not what I was looking for and I wanted to be happy. I remember my ex boy-friend (he was coming down from getting high) telling me you will never make it or achieve anything in life, what a disappointment you are to me. My ex-husband would tell me (when he was on his narcolepsy medication) you dont love this family, youre not a wife or mother. What made me stay in such controlling, abusive relationships? I stayed because I was afraid of being on my own, afraid of being left behind, afraid of being financially unstable. I had that much low self- esteem and my parents wanted me to get my life back together. They are the ones who strongly encouraged me to go back to school so that I could be a good mother for my
- 2. kids. I turned to alcohol to numb the pain and to escape to a happy place. My family and my kids realized that I needed help, I was not happy with who I was as a person. Giving others a second chance only works if they want it to work. You cant force somebody if they have doubts, their heart is not in it 100% and being selfish is not an option. I gave in to others needs despite taking care of myself because of such a guilt trip they bestowed in return. I tried to be supportive of their needs even when they didnt support my desire to get help. Oh, you dont need to go to an AA meeting every single night, I dont have a support group and I dont get to go to a meeting. You have a family that needs you, you dont need AA. The Woman that I am TODAY The Woman that I am today is determined, strong and successful. I have been knocked down and have had no choice but to pull myself back together for the sake of my kids. I have been on the low end of poverty and I was forced to really think about what was important in my life, prioritize my needs accordingly. I craved having a job where I could at least make money and have a say in decision making. According to the father of my kids, I didnt need to work and at one time he actually said its his money. That right there made me even more determined to become independent. Such sarcasm and disrespect only pushed me further away, deeper into hiding an addiction just to get by. My decision to go back to school was supported by my daughter and my parents. The father of my 4 kids didnt entirely support this since he wanted a large family in hopes to anchor me home. Yet, despite the arguments I went back because I wanted to improve my life and be educated. It was a struggle, since I had to focus on my studies and take care of my 3 babies (a toddler and newborn twins). The only family help that I received was from my mother who traveled 4 hours just to help so that I could study and my sister in law. This caused a lot of problems at the home; however, I devoted myself to my education and my parents strongly encouraged me to finish when I was against all odds. It was my determination and will power that I worked my way to the top 5 out of 250 in graduate school. I earned and accepted the Delta Mu Delta Honor Society in Business and had the opportunity to speak at graduation. Dedication is making sacrifices, becoming a role model for my teenager because all I did was study for school. My will power kept me strong, despite the sarcasm I received; however, I maintained a 4.0 GPA for my last 2 years of graduate school. The encouragement I received from my daughter, my parents and my friends made an impact on my success. IF you put your mind to it, it can be done. I am also a strong believer in my own recovery and I will not allow negative thoughts bring me down. Education has enhanced my life when others have indeed doubted me. I am the woman that I am today because I
- 3. forced myself to take a step back, take a deep breath and figure out a solution to my problems. I realize NOW that alcohol has NO place in my life, it solves nothing. We all have challenges that arise from the deck of cards we are dealt, we must work to resolve those issues. During my struggles, I was also able to help motivate a few struggling friends with their own issues by simply listening and offering advice. I have rebuilt the relationship with my daughter, especially while I was incarcerated for only a few short months. My downfalls have shown my now 16 year old what to avoid and this has only brought us closer. Knowing that I put all my faith in my higher power has helped strengthen me, I have met some amazing individuals while in recovery, shared similar struggles and I am now stepping forth within my community. The Woman that I want to BECOME The Woman that I want to become is a wise, well- educated, goodhearted individual unafraid of lifes challenges. There is enough confidence and spiritual wellness within her to keep her on solid ground. She is able to manage her life successfully with the ability to say NO and make important decisions without the guilt trip from others. She is strong enough in her career to be successful and use her knowledge to counsel other individuals. She has a great personality, treats others well and has a great positive attitude. The woman I want to be makes smart but wise decisions. I am able to say no without feeling guilty, I am not given a guilt trip to give in to what others want. Learning how to say NO is also a way of gaining respect from others, beneficial to yourself and others while having the respect that is needed. I want to become reliable and dependable, having that trust established with my family, with my job and with my friends. Telling the truth is better than telling a lie. Lies get you nowhere and the truth always comes out. Working out my insecurities made me believe in myself, I am not nor am I in competition with anyone. Be determined, work hard and learn from your mistakes. Self-improvement is the key to learning and success. Fear is not an option. Dont dwell on the dark side of things but look for the light and build around it. Follow your dreams, even if it means making sacrifices to achieve your goals. One of my goals is to work in management, become a team leader. I want to be recognized as a strong and successful woman who is not afraid of commitments. I have encountered curveballs that not many other people in this world would be able to work around, somehow I got up off the ground whenever I was knocked down, stood back up on my own two feet, and moved forward -- and guess what? I paid attention. I am hungry for success and do my best to create a positive environment for my kids and my family.